El Bloggo

unfinished thoughts

2011-10-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

This movement is not just about economics and fixing the financial system. It is also about opening new avenues for political participation. It is a chance for one to participate in collective actions in order to have a better chance of having one’s voice heard. In this collective way, there is a better chance of a person’s ideas being heard by many, as opposed to a single person trying to spread a message, unless one runs a widely read blog or some other media outlet.

This is a chance to transform society, to produce a structural change in the social and political system. As there is no one defined goal, many visions have been presented with no one vision having precedence over the other. And yet, everyone is united to make the change they want to see.

People are realizing that they’ve always had power. An illusion has been pulled over the eyes of the general public, and many have become dependent on mainstream media for information about the external world. We must remember though, that major news outlets are accountable to shareholders and CEOs, not to the people at large. If they lose those ratings, they lose the financial support on which they rely.

To call this creation of an illusion a conspiracy would be an over-simplification of a complex matter. Those who control the major media outlets would never admit to taking part in a conspiracy to keep the masses ignorant. And yet, this has been the consequence of their actions.

They beat the war drums in the lead-up to the conflicts in the Middle East by presenting only the pro-war side. They ignore voices that call for changes to the modern capitalist system, until those voices cannot be ignored. They marginalize candidates that call for real change, and support those who would not alter the system. Shouting matches are not uncommon on the news. They operate on the profit motive, and because of that present sensationalist news that would attract the most viewers. They strive for quantity, and this results in a lack of quality, which is why they prefer sound bites over in-depth discussions.

It is not just the mainstream media that keeps the people down. The consequences of the neo-liberal model, which seeks to privatize and de-regulate, include a more closed-minded and intolerant society. It is not corporations that have contributed to progressive changes in society, like the uplifting of minorities and the securing of rights for people of all walks of life. Those positive changes have always come from below.

The big corporations have many times fought against such changes. Then, only after the general public accepts them, they look for ways to profit from any new “demographics” that have resulted from the movements. Corporations have fought against popular ideas minimum wage laws, equal pay in regard to gender, the improvement of working conditions, and any environmental regulations, whether from the government or from the people, that would have resulted in financial losses. Like the major news outlets, they are accountable not to the public, but to shareholders and CEOs.

Whereas the federal government used to be a tool created by and for the people, it is now controlled by the highest bidder. Corporations, legally defined as people, are now free to spend as much money as they want on campaigns, because money has been legally defined as free speech. Politicians now receive much of their campaign financing from corporations. Many areas of government are now controlled by former leaders of the corporate world. It is no coincidence that the government now protects the neo-liberal system that it has become part of.

to be continued...

Sesame St. Muppet will highlight hunger

2011-10-09T12:41:00.000-04:00

I will update this more soon

2011-10-09T12:36:00.003-04:00

haven't updated this in a while.

but i saw Opeth on Wednesday. and went to Occupy Dallas on Thursday. I just don't feel very talkative at the moment. I have things I want to say, just no motivation to say it.

hmm... too many distractions lately. I need to get my head on straight.

update

2011-06-06T21:09:00.001-04:00

"The Afghan people should remember two main things. First, while the U.S. and our coalition partners may draw down our military forces over time, we are committed to a long-term strategic partnership with Afghanistan. We will continue to train, equip and support Afghan security forces and do what we can to help the government improve the lives of its citizens. In short, there will be no rush to the exits." -Robert Gates (link)

just been keeping up with politics (as usual), lately, and playing guitar, and working out, and working. not much else to report on.

-Leo

!!!

2011-04-13T23:50:00.001-04:00

a whole new world just opened up to me, in the form of Apple's GarageBand.

Eric Clapton

2011-04-12T23:02:00.002-04:00

I've been listening to Cream's Disraeli Gears a lot lately. And now I'm going to check out For Your Love by The Yardbirds, both bands of which feature Clapton. He was influenced by Robert Johnson. I don't know much else about him, except that I dig his style.

the picture is clearing up a bit

2011-04-06T12:21:00.003-04:00

i forgot if i mentioned that i got a guitar for my birthday from my brother, but i can tell I'm getting better at it. I'm trying to make myself practice everyday.

and i still don't know what i want to do career-wise, but I do have a goal now, and that is to create something I can be proud of. if i could create something like Dark Side of the Moon, or writing or anything really, then i can die happily and wouldn't mind living poorly. so I'm hoping that learning to play the guitar will open up another avenue for me to express myself and create.

I'm trying to stay active these days. forcing myself to floss, to clean where i see dirtiness, forcing myself to do small things to get up and get out, just baby steps like that. hopefully that would lead to a bigger change and i can stay active where it matters, like looking for a career or reaching that goal of mine.

I'm also going to start posting pictures of people I admire, and recently I've gotten into many forms of music (blues, country, jazz). I mean, I guess I always liked them, but now I'm really getting into them. So here's the first person; King of the Delta Blues, Robert Johnson. Legend has it that he took his guitar to a crossroad, and there he met the devil, and gave his soul in exchange for the ability to play the guitar well. The song Cross Road Blues is said to be about this legend. Here's two more songs that allude to that theme; Me and the Devil Blues, Hellhound on My Trail.

looks like neoliberalism is rearing its ugly head

2011-03-14T11:14:00.004-04:00

(this was written while I was thinking about the bill in Wisconsin that strips away collective bargaining rights)

neo-liberalism is fundamentally anti-democratic. at this point, it is extremely anti-environmental. in many instances, it has bought and co-opted the force of government, or it has developed its own mercenary forces.

Wisconsin is not a neo-liberal state. Far from it. but when I see bills, like the one in question, being forced into law, I only see another example of this anti-democratic idea in action. they have used the pretense of a financial crisis, as in many other states right now, to push through legislation that is meant to strengthen big business, and the pockets of a few.

furthermore, the republicans took out all fiscal points out of the bill in order for it to be passed like it has, that’s the only way they could have pulled that off, by taking out the fiscal points. So they have essentially lied in order to push this bill through, because all along they were saying that this was due to the economic crisis, and the state needed to save money, and when the time came to pass it, it was no longer about fiscal policy.

it should seem fairly obvious what is going on. they've been waiting for a time to pass these policies which aim to strengthen big business, and now they see an opportune moment. For those interested in checking out this idea further, I would recommend a really good book called The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism, by Naomi Klein. She writes about historical and modern examples of free market policies being forced through a time of "shock" such as economic, natural, or man-made disasters.

These are really the only time that measures like this can be passed, seeing as to how they are not very popular. Hence neoliberalism being anti-democratic. What workers want to see their rights taken away? Not many as far as I know. Who would like to see a fundamental human right, such as water, privatized? the rich, maybe. but the majority of the world is not rich.

I will clarify that while I dislike neo-liberalism, I do see upsides to ideas like libertarianism, republicanism, and anarchism (anarchism being my favorite out of these three, as utopian as it may be). Neo-liberalism to me sounds like the worst parts of republicanism and libertarianism, and then amplified. corporations would pretty much own the world, blah blah blah.

I better get ready for work.

-LJL

today's thoughts

2011-03-14T02:37:00.002-04:00

if i am nothing, why do my emotions rage? if i am merely a part of a whole, why should any of my actions matter so much? is it the case that they do not? or is it that they do? i am part of a larger picture. so do my actions determine anything? i get angry, the picture changes. i am happy, the picture changes. the picture is. does it even matter? there are no answers. it seems like i am supposed to make the answers. that is frustrating. Hinduism and Buddhism are human inventions. am i on a nihilistic path again? if i am, it is not a good path. or at least, not to my physical and mental well-being. because i found love, but if i am pulled back to that nihilistic path, that means that the void is greater than the love that filled the void. and i don’t know what could fill that darker, greater void. a greater love? where does it end? this is what i was referring to in the beginning. i thought i found peace. but i have not. my emotions still sway. is buddhism a lie? is there no escape to this cycle? why do i want to escape it? i love the loving moments, and those make life worth living. and i imagine that if i have the capacity to feel, then that includes both happiness and sadness. so make up your mind. do you want to feel? or would you rather not feel? I think I’d rather feel. bring it, nihilism.

i started thinking this earlier this night, after examining my life, or a certain aspect of it.

for my birthday, i got a guitar, and a cool wizard pipe. i've been re-learning the guitar. i hope it gives me something to fill my days with.

i sleep on the floor again. i would have thought simplicity brings some sort of inner peace. instead it causes me to think about my life, and why i am so poor. but i am only poor financially. i am rich in thought. thought counts for nothing in the physical world, unless that thought brings money or praise. thought is ultimately all i have though. thought is everything to me. thought is everything to everyone. well, mostly everyone. some people exist only based on physical pleasure and pain. this is neither good or bad. metaphysical thought only introduces a new sort of pleasure, or a new sort of pain. so ultimately, it means nothing. it is only another development in our already crowded world. oh well.

-LJL

2011-03-06T08:30:00.001-05:00

Dear music artists, please don't stop releasing full length albums. Some of us still prefer the experience of an album over singles. Who knows when that next Dark Side of the Moon, or Thriller, or What's Going On will be released, but if albums are anywhere near that good, they are worth waiting for, and worth paying for.

-Leo

“I will fight on to the last drop of my blood.”

2011-02-22T20:11:00.002-05:00

Qaddafi's Grip Falters as His Forces Add to Chaos in Libya

article from the New York Times today

the title of this post is a quote from Muammar al-Gaddafi, the current "leader" of Libya. I've been keeping up with these recent democratic uprisings since the Egyptian revolution. And this Libyan one seems to be getting nasty.

I'm trying to comprehend Gaddafi's mindset right now. Or any person in power who people want out of power. But I can't think from that point of view. Sending people to do your fighting, or demanding the death of opposition, doesn't this seem like some sort of psychological sickness? I could understand wanting to defend one's self and one's country against armed threats. But against protesting citizens of one's own country who want a change of leadership after 40+ years?

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand how one can want power so much that the lives of other people (even one's own citizens) don't matter. Is megalomania a psychological condition?

...

I just looked it up. A psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence. So I guess it is recognized as a condition.

It's good that people have taken to the streets to protest these sick leaders/dictators. It sucks that there's other people who still buy into their crap, and would kill others because they are told to.

"After Colonel Qaddafi’s televised speech Tuesday night, thousands of his supporters converged in Tripoli’s central Green Square, wearing green bandanas and brandishing oversized machetes. Many loaded into trucks headed for the outlying areas of the city, where they occupied traffic intersections and appeared to be massing for neighborhood-to-neighborhood searches. “It looks like they have been given a green light to kill these people,” one witness said." from the NY Times article.

"Witnesses in Tripoli have reported Libyan fighter jets and helicopter gunships have been used to attack protesters who are calling for an end to Muammar Gaddafi’s four-decade rule. At least 300 people have reportedly died in recent days, and tens of thousands of foreigners are attempting to flee the country." Democracy Now!

At least some politicians in the US are speaking out against this. More should though, including Obama. He's been oddly silent on Libya since Friday. Maybe it's some diplomatic/political thing that I wouldn't understand. But to be diplomatic when lives are at hand is beyond me. I don't see how politicians do it.

I've been meaning to write about Egypt too. It's very inspiring that ordinary people can still change things. What happened in Egypt was historic. The people rose up and dethroned a president! That's the kind of shit I read in history books. That's change I can believe in. While it's too early to tell whether good or bad will come out of it, it's undoubtably good that people stood up for what they believed in, and didn't falter in the face of repression. I wish the Egyptian people the best.

Same for the Libyan people, I hope they can make it through this, and hope that Gaddafi gets what he deserves (treatment?). Same for that region in general, Iran, Bahrain, and all the other countries that are seeing democratic movements.

Damn, now I have to think about democracy; it's pros and cons (Plato didn't dig democracy, but I am not Plato!). I won't write about it right now though, I think this is sufficient.

-LJL

Maybe I should just get a 1 bedroom apt.

2011-02-16T11:21:00.003-05:00

Back to living in the living room. No privacy. Today is one of those days when I was expecting something, but things turned out another way. Those days shake up my system. I was going to say I hate those days, but I don't hate them. They are part of life. They just cause a different reaction in me, an uncomfortableness.

I don't like not being able to be comfortable in my own home. I guess it's not my own anymore since I'm not paying bills anymore. Great.

Oh well. In a way, this is good, because later I was hoping for something. Hmm... That doesn't say much, but I don't want to say much either because it's too personal to put online.

So I'll end it there. Back to living uncomfortably.

-LJL

Did I mention

2011-02-08T01:58:00.000-05:00

I love John Coltrane now

personal (yet online) thoughts

2011-02-08T01:02:00.013-05:00

OK, this year is going to be different for some reason. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling like things are going to be weird, or darker/occult-ish, just different in one of those two ways. But then again, I haven't had this feeling for very long. It started around New Years, I believe, and got stronger around the time we got the internet.

I also realized earlier, and this is revealing personal stuff, that it's not my fault that I'm socially awkward. But I can change it, and am trying. I mean, in high school it seemed like I was singled out. I was one of the only Mexican kids there, so I didn't have a "culture" I could fit in to. I went to one, and came home to another. That started a long time ago though.

Through most of elementary school, I was the only brown kid in class. I'm thinking that that is what put in to my mind that I was different, because I wasn't the same color. So in high school, these differences were just amplified, with people calling me names like Osama Bin Laden or Elian Gonzales, and hearing all of this racism. Add to that that I was an easy target for a-holes to bother, and was an introvert (i still am to some degree ;). This put me in a dark place.

Damn, looking back on it, I was raised in a racist city. I'm not exaggerating here. I took all of this in and cussed a lot, became lazy in school, told crude jokes, and looked mostly at the dark side of things. It wasn't all bad, I just couldn't see the good, and turned inward. So I got depressed towards the end of high school, and for some time after. It sucks to think of high school still.

I'm glad I went to college, looking back on it, because I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't gone. I wouldn't have met many amazing people that I met because of school, or all the cool and interesting stuff I learned, or the experiences. I wouldn't be living in Denton if I had not gone to OU.

For the first time in my life, thanks in large part to the help of friends, and to art, and feeling, and all the great things life has to offer, I can say I love life.

Life offers so many pleasures. Micro-pleasures, like minimalism (which is aesthetically pleasing), insignificant yet memorable moments, small details, slight sensations (like lightly touching surfaces with one's fingers), and then there's bigger pleasures, like when my mind gets blown away by spectacles like the Flaming Lips show, or listening to Dark Side of the Moon (or some other epic record), or when I'm dying to go outside on a warm day and then finally getting to ride my bike in the nice weather.

And then there's pain. I'm starting to like pain... a little bit though. I still don't like it when I feel it, my body doesn't like it, that is. My mind most of the time gets affected by my body and thinks that it doesn't like it either. But I'm beginning to think that at some level, somewhere within me, my mind finds some pleasure in the pain. It's possible that in order to feel pleasure, one must feel pain. I wonder if I'd get tired of feeling pleasure if I never felt pain. So maybe my mind is getting convinced that this is the case, and likes it at some level.

Overall though, life is cool, and I'm glad I didn't do anything too stupid when I was depressed (only semi-stupid), and I'd answer differently on a question about existence:

If you could flash the universe out of existence, would you?

I used to answer in the affirmative. Because I didn't see a point, and I wouldn't miss much.

That is not the case anymore :)

-LJL

P.S. Here's something that I thought of:

These three ideas that would have major positive impacts on the world,

1. Ride a bike more.

2. support local

3. go vegetarian, or know thyself and think deeply more

That's four, but three is a neat number, so I'll leave it like that for now.

phantoms

2011-02-08T00:28:00.005-05:00

I was searching for something I wrote just now. I thought I wrote it, but I don't remember if I saved it. I don't even remember if I wrote it on the laptop. Maybe I wrote it on my notebook, or maybe I didn't even write anything at all.

It could be one of those phantom memories, the kind that mix things from 2 or more memories, and create a new one. OK, I just made up the term "phantom memories."

....

Actually, I just googled it (those periods ^"...." represent a lapse of time). Phantom memories exist. I think that's what deja vu's are too (I don't know if "vu's" would have an apostrophe, but deja vus doesn't look right fsr). Anyways, I think deja vu's are just two memories put together, or something like that. Two things that you sense put two other memories together and get something new, like you've been there.

I went off topic. Anyways, the document I was looking for was about how I change a lot. I change anywhere from every 2 or 3 days to a week. And then there's long term changes too. Like how I used to be depressed for a long time, but now I'm not. Well, this is in the description of the Pisces (to be fluid, you know, like water). Looks like astrology got it right. Is this a self fulfilling prophecy? I'm malleable, and sensitive too....!!!!**** I just remembered!

....

No I didn't. Malleable and sensitive triggered something, so I tried searching for the document again, and didn't find it. Anyways, me being malleable and sensitive could just be self fulfilling prophecies. I could have read it, and started convincing myself at some level that I am malleable and sensitive. But then if it was that easy to convince me that I am malleable, then that means I am malleable, right?

Man, wish I could remember where I wrote that.

-LJL

P.S. that'd be crazy if it was a memory from the future. Could It Be? Spooky Experiments That 'See' The Future.

I've been thinking about yoga lately

2011-02-07T14:13:00.003-05:00

and here's what I've come up with so far:

zombies doing yoga:

if I train hard enough, eventually I'll be able stretch my arms and legs to great distances, and master the "yoga flame" power, like Dhalsim does

and this:

seriously though, I'm going to look into it more.

-LJL

are these the first thoughts of an emerging deist? or is it just a really loving person?

2011-02-06T10:00:00.003-05:00

"i think once someone opens her mind, she will see that neither democrat theory nor republican theory are right. In reality, both parties fail to see that we are one. We are one and our survival depends on our co-dependence.

love is god.

love is a feeling, one which can be revered.

there are other feelings, like hate.

and there is fear. fear is a feeling.

spread the love.

people get it all wrong. they think god is something which tells them to kill, or to pass these or those laws, or punish people. but love does not say this. humans say that. humans make up all the bad things in the world. they don’t have to.

i can try to get rid of that ego, for the sake of love. I can try. and i will try.

even feelings though, are just a glimpse into the ultimate. it is much bigger than words can describe.

in times of toughness, you will have love. in sad times, think of love."

The Flaming Lips @ the Palladium

2011-02-04T13:40:00.003-05:00

My mind was blown out of this galaxy yesterday. I went to that Flaming Lips show at the Palladium, and I didn't know what to expect, and it just left me speechless. Best show I've been to.

It was like one huge party. I wouldn't even say it was only a rock show. It was more like an immersive experience, where everyone is encouraged to participate, and everyone is forced to participate at times, like when Wayne Coyne rides the balloon atop the audience. It's too much to describe, one would have to experience it to know what I'm talking about.

Some of my favorite moments included the above mentioned balloon riding on the audience thing, all of the confetti, the laser hands, the costumes, the dancers, etc... I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out, but I don't want to say too much because it'd be better if the unknowing reader just went and experienced it.

So they entered my list of favorite bands. It's cool that they're from my home state too. And Wayne seems like such a cool guy. I enjoyed the other band too, Neon Indian, I'll have to check more of their stuff out.

It was a lot of mental and physical stimulation, I'm going to have to take it easy today. But I will make it a priority to go to their New Years show in OKC (if they do it next year), and I will take my friends because it was memorable, and I don't know what else to say about it.

Go.

-LJL

P.S. Here's the setlist:

The Fear  

Worm Mountain  

Silver Trembling Hands  

She Don't Use Jelly  

The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song  

I Can Be a Frog  

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1  

See the Leaves  

Laser Hands  

The Ego's Last Stand  

Pompeii Am Götterdämmerung  

What Is the Light?  

The Observer  

Encore:

Race for the Prize  

Encore 2:

Do You Realize??

Contemplation

2011-01-29T23:56:00.002-05:00

OK, so if there is something else out there, something bigger than us, which doesn't seem so farfetched given how big the universe is, then... then nothing I guess. It exists. I'm inclined to believe that we are not alone in this universe. We don't know what other life forms are out there, they could be invisible living in our world. They could be co-existing with us on another dimension, on another plane of existence.

What makes drug induced perceptions any less real than sober perceptions? They both exist within our mind. I guess with the drug induced ones, sometimes all the senses can't sense them. And if one would further like to test it, then she can ask others if they are experiencing the same thing. In a sober state of mind, one can see a tree, and try to test it with other senses. And then one can have others feel the same thing. But what makes this more real?

I guess I have to define reality first. damn.

I guess most people's conception of reality has something to do with expectations. If something happens over and over again, then I start expecting it, and this cause and effect type of conditioning becomes what we call reality.

So, we are in a mindset that reality is whatever we can verify with our senses, which guide us in our daily activities. These senses better be the same time after time. If something does not correspond with our past experiences, it's either an anomaly, or we better change our beliefs.

If we are of the belief that it is an anomaly, then we regard this as unreality. Because if it does not happen all the time, then it is not real. Drug induced perceptions do not happen all the time therefore, they are not real, according to the above description of reality.

But we can't change the fact that the perception happened. I'm getting lost here. I'm going to go back to the original reason I began writing this.

I was contemplating earlier, about spirituality and religion. If there is something out there, I would have to say some religions went astray when they tried to assign human characteristics to whatever it is. Some tried to put their own characteristics on it, and made it white, male, powerful, etc... Furthermore, others said that only certain people know about this higher power, and everyone else must follow them in order to gain this knowledge.

This seems wrongheaded to me. Everyone has different ways of discovering things. Humans should not push other humans around. Religious leaders should present their teachings, and not try to scare people into following them. The idea of hell is completely off-putting to me. The physical idea of hell, that is. If god is goodness, and evil is the absence of goodness, or the absence of god, then this idea seems more attractive. Why scare people off with the idea of pain? One can say that the absence of god is the absence of goodness.

Then, of course, there's those who would say that giving another name to goodness is unnecessary. Actually, I think I agree. Why put the word "god" to goodness? Why put the word "god" to anything? why label "everything" as "god"? why label other beings as "god"? there's no reason to. god almost has connotations of power. That's just what I was raised into though, to believe that god is powerful, and wanting to be worshipped, merciful, all that stuff.

I feel different from my average self when I contemplate things like this. And this makes me wonder what I'm feeling. Some would be quick to say that it's god. No, it's not that god. It is what it is; contemplation, and a good feeling.

-LJL

Fish in 2011

2011-01-27T14:44:00.003-05:00

"2011 is a two-sided coin for Pisces! Looking ahead to the Pisces 2011 yearly horoscope, there will be major success when it comes to all matters not related to interpersonal relationships. Career, money and the desire to learn and grow will shape the first half of the year. The latter part of the Pisces 2011 yearly horoscope will require the effort and energy that got you to this place to begin with, but that’s okay. Pisces has never been afraid of hard work.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, Pisces 2011 will offer a bit more of a challenge. Many issues will require you to take the time to understand issues and resolve them. The good news is that you are up to the challenge. Sensitive and known to struggle, Pisces will welcome the peace brought on by 2011."

I don't even know why I buy into this stuff. There could be some truth behind it, but science says no. Then again, I don't think we should place all of our beliefs on science. There are human, and I guess even non-human, elements at play in this world. Science, for now, can't explain everything. Two or three years ago, I never would have thought I'd be saying that. But just because science can't explain something doesn't mean there isn't an explanation for it. Everything must have an explanation, right? Science is a good tool though. I wouldn't dismiss it altogether.

We are humans. There is more to us than equations and laws.

-LJL

the basket case

2011-01-25T02:38:00.003-05:00

Some people never fit in, they adjust. I don't know why I'm going further and further into this outcast thing, instead of trying to step into the light. There must be something in the air. Maybe it's something I'll never figure out.

Maybe it's my true nature. How does one find out their true nature anyways? it's not like we can examine our subconscious. I guess we can try. I mean, our actions are a reflection of our deepest thoughts, right? And if taking distorted pictures, hiding from cameras, being quiet, liking solitude, and exploring the unknown are a reflection of my subconscious, it's something i can live with. I guess I'd like to be more social sometimes too.

Balance. Some people function better if the scales are tipped more towards the social side. I can do well if the scale is tipped towards the hidden, but not completely weighed down on that side. I like to go out to social places like bars, parks, concerts, etc... But I love places that concern the individual more, like bookstores, museums, nature trails.

I also feel like I've spent so much time inside my own head, that it's time to experience the outside world now. And I've gotten better with that. Maybe all this is just a passing thing. It may be pushed to the subconscious soon.

-LJL

Obscurity

2011-01-24T21:58:00.003-05:00

I gave myself an assignment to write something of 500 words. The topic I chose was one I've been thinking about lately; obscurity.

Obscurity is from the tree of un-knowledge. It belongs to that which we do not know. We see a sharp image, and know what is there. We see an obscured image, but we do not know what exactly is there. We can hear crisp sounds, and we can here distorted sounds.

So if one knows little about obscurity, what can one write about it? There are the feelings that obscurity makes me feel. I feel a sense of curiosity in the presence of obscurity. I want to find out what is in the darkness, or behind the curtain, or underground, or who is behind the masque.

One can live an obscure life; a hidden life. Living in the shadows is mysterious. People are wary of those living in the shadows. “What can they be doing?” the people think. “It can’t be good if they are not willing to share it with us. It’s different. I’m afraid of what I could find.”

Distorted photographs hold a mystery. What was the artist thinking when he took this picture. He took the picture in the dark. The conditions were not right to make a clear image. It looks like an abstract painting. Abstract art is just a distorted view of the life most humans see. Art is a representation of how one sees the world, therefore, obscure art (as most art) is a sort of world-view. Unknown images could speak of lives lived in uncertainty.

Lo-fi sound can be aurally pleasing or ugly. One can have music behind a wall of distortion or static, and still sound beautiful. Black metal is a perfect example of the aesthetic quality of an obscured sound. Recorded with low quality equipment, black metal aims to distort what could otherwise be considered an aurally pleasing sound. In the process, it creates a new form of art using existing media, which some will find ugly, and others aesthetic.

Close your eyes and imagine looking out into a body of water that takes up your entire field of vision. In the outer edges of the water, you see a faint image. It is slowly growing in size, as if approaching. However, the image does not clear up. As it gets closer, you feel an unease. It is just you and this object in this moment, and you do not know whether it is harmful or amicable. This is obscurity.

Obscurity does not always have to be associated with negative feelings though. It can bring peace, as well. Hermits live their lives away from the eyes of the public. This can be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are trying to live ascetic lives. Maybe they are fed up with what they see as a degenerating society. Maybe they like silence and solitude. Whatever the case, these obscure humans tend to stay out of the affairs of the general public, adding no harm to either side.

In a world where humanity is becoming more and more connected, through computers, cell phones and other technological devices, and in a world where knowledge is at our fingertips and a button-click away, obscurity offers us a welcome alternative to this must-have-now way of life. Obscurity leaves us wondering, and entertains our curiosity.

a good start, maybe i should assign myself more work ;)

-LJL

...the hell

2011-01-24T00:33:00.003-05:00

Trying to define "witch house" can be a real drag

that talks about the same aesthetic of obscurity i was writing about earlier. obscurity is cool.

I ♥ seitan

2011-01-23T23:11:00.002-05:00

that's right, i discovered seitan not too long ago. i like how it tastes, and i like how it sounds like "satan." there's something evil in the air, not too evil though. I barely even notice it most of the time. I watched the Exorcist yesterday, and the Omen and Rosemary's Baby before that. All good horror movies.

i feel like i'm in a loop. it's not a bad loop, because i don't feel bad, it's just a loop that i don't know how to get out of. and i want to get out of it, because... i don't know why. i guess because society expects it, kind of. and it'd be nice to get a steady job that pays more than i currently earn.

it's kind of comforting knowing that others are confused about their futures. at least i'm not alone. it's also comforting knowing that i'm not in a bad mood. not right now, at least.

currently i'm listening to a doom metal band called Cough. this effin song is 19 minutes long. probably going to put in some Flaming Lips after this.

Chris made a cool picture of me today. it's not a portrait, it's a drawing based on my characteristics. it turned out well. once we get it scanned, I'll put it here. i don't feel like capitalizing much today, only names, and a few other letters.

self-reference. i took a pit-stop to skim through the wikipedia page for self-reference.

hmm... what else is new? i think that's it for now.

-LJL

2011-01-22T20:08:00.005-05:00

Guess I'm going to see the Flaming Lips! it kind of just happened. a friend at work invited me, i bought my ticket, and now i'm waiting for the show.

can't wait

-LJL

Flaming Lips- Watching the Planets

2011-01-22T00:46:00.002-05:00

I've been getting into this band lately.

I guess

2011-01-21T10:18:00.003-05:00

the photographs I take could reflect how I see the world. I haven't thought about this before.

it would be sad were it not for the fact that I am not sad.

-LJL

profiles

2011-01-21T08:58:00.004-05:00

So I had a good four hours of sleep. I woke up in a delirium. And now I'm back again. I created another profile, this time on Flickr. I guess it'd be a good idea to keep these projects separate from Facebook, because that's where the most people I know are signed on to. And I feel more free to do whatever when people I know do not look at these other profiles. So now I have a google profile, a flickr, a photobucket, a mubi, and a blogger account. I feel like I can be more truthful in a way. I can put all the artists I listen to, all the movies, etc... and people won't get bored with all the information. And if they do, they won't tell me because they don't know me. And if they do, I won't care because I don't know them. And I won't feel vain if I keep on writing about myself. As a matter of fact, I'm about to change my profile here a bit.

Excuse me.

-LJL

some photography

2011-01-21T03:37:00.001-05:00

More Obscurity

2011-01-21T02:03:00.003-05:00

There's something dark about the concept of obscurity. If light is knowledge, and darkness is lack of knowledge, then obscurity is like a faint light. Or obscurity is like trying to see something just out of your field of vision. Imagine looking out into the ocean, and seeing an image, but you don't know what it is. There is mystery in that. A feeling of suspense. Fearful, yet curious.

Grinderman 2.

gnite

-LJL

Introspection

2011-01-21T01:05:00.003-05:00

I feel like I have more freedom in what I write if this blog goes into cyberspace oblivion. Because only strangers will read this. Strangers who I have no connection to.

It's day 2 of internet, and I'm still hooked. This is not good.

I just put up the last post less than 10 minutes ago. And I'm typing again, just because I don't know what else to do. Maybe being hooked up to a machine is the encouragement I need to write! Maybe something good will be produced out of this. I'm doubtful, but one never knows.

I remember on New Years, I felt like I was able to peer into another dimension. I mean, I was still in my apartment, my box. But everything looked different. I was curious about everything. I stopped thinking for some time, and just felt. I feel enough already, but the only thing that was different was that I didn't think as rationally as usual.

I thought of a story to write about, but haven't done it.

I'm trapped inside my own head.

I don't know what would make me say that.

Right now I am trapped inside my own head. Other times, I have sympathy, other times, apathy.

I'm getting tired. I wonder what time I work. I don't imagine people would read this. I mean, some would, maybe they would be expecting a payoff. But if I were an average reader, I wouldn't read on this long. I wouldn't have the patience.

What should I do next? Why do I feel the need to type this? If I knew the answers, I wouldn't be asking the questions. So what would I be doing if I wasn't asking questions? I think I'd be answering them. If I had answers, people would be able to come up to me with their questions. Who can I ask questions? I ask everyone questions. Sometimes I ask questions even if I don't care for the answer. Sometimes it's to break silence. Many times I'm silent myself, because I can't convey my thoughts very well. I have an easier time transporting thoughts from my mind to my hand. It's more difficult for me to use my voice to try to communicate something.

The written word seems more permanent anyways. Although the spoken word has it's own beauty too. But typing, it's more impersonal. Writing is more personal, and therefore, more interesting. I say this because individuals are more interesting than uniform, typed letters.

If I were reading this blog though, would I be interested in myself? I don't think so. It's a guy who doesn't know what to do with his life, and he rants a lot. Oh well, if it helps him pass the time. I'll live my own life, he'll live his. Everyone lives their own lives. Own. Possessive. To own is to possess. I possess my life. I possess my life. I own it. If I own my life, then I can do whatever I want with it. Actually, I think that everyone should do whatever they want with their lives as long as it doesn't negatively affect the lives of others. Why only negatively though? Why not "everyone should live their own lives as long as it doesn't negatively or positively affect the lives of others"? And what is negative anyways? Maybe affecting someone positively is contributing to their overall well-being. Happiness and health. I would think that people need sadness too, because if they were happy all the time then eventually it would get boring. So why not make it "everyone should live their own lives, but don't affect anyone else"? That doesn't sound right. I want to affect and be affected. I'm still a social animal. Even if my last post was about fading into obscurity. Everyone should live their own lives. Some will positively affect others. Others will negatively affect others.

I get paranoid sometimes. I get the feeling I'm being watched a lot. Or recorded. Or judged. I shut the blinds and still feel like people can see through the cracks.

So, so far the internet is like a mirror in a way. I open the laptop, and see my own thoughts in a different form, typed.

So then it could help me transform my story ideas into written word. Hopefully. I just have to keep this screen in front of my face, and the story will be written?

Maybe I should try writing some comedy. I'm tired. Is that funny? If so, I don't see the humor in it. It could be funny, to a mind that thinks differently, to a mind that has been programmed to find humor in fatigue. I'm starting to smile a bit. I mean, it is a crazy idea. To be programmed to laugh when fatigued. I'd be cracking up if that were the case, because now I'm really tired.

I wrote down some of my traits earlier for Chris. He's going to try to put them into a picture. Among the characteristics were curious, paranoid, reclusive, changing, thoughtful. Surveys are always fun, because they want to know what I think. I ignored one earlier on the phone though. Most telephone surveys want to know what I think about them.

I'll finish here for now. Maybe I'll write later. Sooner than I think.

-LJL

Seeking Obscurity

2011-01-20T19:18:00.005-05:00

well, we have internet again, so i guess that means i have to write on this thing. I'm kind of hoping that this blog gets lost in cyberspace. just another blog in the millions (are there over a million blogs?).

i've been catching up on the show Community, which has not disappointed yet. It's creative, and quirky. I watched an episode from a new show called Portlandia. I think it has potential. Some moments hit, others missed, but overall I liked it.

I had today off from work, which is going well. Mostly everyone there is cool, customers and co-workers.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life though. One could say I'm in a state of limbo. I'm hoping something the picture will clear up, but I'm not sure if it will, or what I can do to see clearly. It is an obscure photograph. My life is like an obscure photograph. This is one of the first sites that pops up on google search for the term "obscure photography." A lot of the post-childhood photographs I've been in have that quality, of me hiding from the camera.

I don't mind it. I find obscurity to be an aesthetically pleasing concept. Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill is a favorite album of mine. I love that the music is hidden behind a layer of fuzz and distortion. I love the album cover as well. I also read earlier that a new Grouper album is in the works. A double album, so to speak. I like the idea behind it. Liz Harris explains it better than I:

'Describing the pair of albums, Harris went on: "Dream Loss is a collection of older songs, mostly written before a hard time. Alien Observer, for the most part, is made of songs recorded after that time. Each has a song that belongs thematically on the other, a seam stitching them together. Both albums... explore otherness. Being an other to one's own self, to other humans; ghosts and aliens, both literal and metaphorical; and other worlds to escape to (beneath the water, in the sky). Thinking about people who have died...

The process of making these albums reacquainted me with what I want to explore in music: friction, exploration of something large and outside of me, describing and traveling to intangible objects and places, unseen movements and connections between people and spaces. Songs that move on their own, that have an autonomous monstrous quality, songs from another world."'

That's pretty deep. Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill sounded deep. Water-deep.

...

....

.....

I went away, but then came back. We watched Rosemary's Baby, which is one of the best horror movies I've seen.

Now I'm really hoping this blog gets lost in obscurity. I don't know why though. I guess that means more searching for the deeper truth, that which lies beneath the surface. Things are not always as they seam. That's strange, I just noticed I did that. I spaced out for a bit, then I realized I spelled "seem" "seam."

I still don't know if the period is before or after the quotation marks.

So I'm going to mess around with the look of the page. I'll try to make it more obscure.

-LJL

just writiing to say

2010-12-11T20:16:00.001-05:00

I'm still alive

Mexican Bicentennial

2010-09-14T13:10:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow and Thursday, September 15 and 16, will be the 200th anniversary of Mexican independence. It was 200 years ago that the Grito de Dolores was issued by a Catholic Priest named Miguel Hidalgo:

"Long live religion!, Long live Our Lady of Guadalupe! Long live the Americas and death to the corrupt government!"

This set began the struggle for independence from colonial Spain.

Here is a video from Mexico of people recreating famous events in Mexican history

-Leo

Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

2010-09-12T21:42:00.003-04:00

Arcade Fire makes me reminisce about life.

Project

2010-08-31T15:10:00.003-04:00

I have a project to work on, and that project is myself. I have to improve both the mental and the physical self. I'm not sure what "improvement" means for the mind right now. I know for the body, it would be to make it stronger. Does this apply to the mind as well? Making my mind stronger? I think it does.

Nothingness comes into play here. What is the point of doing this if in the end it will mean nothing? Well, I am not at the end. I am living. I feel and I think. Therefore, nothingness does not matter to me at the moment. Ultimately, nothing will matter. But right now, I feel things. Shouldn't I work to keep my current self in the best possible form?

I lost the motivation to teach in recent times. I'm only now getting it back. Or more specifically, I feel like I'm back at square one, with multiple routes to take, and teaching is just one of them. It would please me to teach English to non-English speakers. I would feel like I'm making a difference in the world. At the same time, I love the arts, and wouldn't mind having a job in that realm. Film, for instance, is one of my passions. I think I would be happy working at a movie theater. Owning one would be cool too (I think, I've never owned a business before, so I'm not so sure).

Where should I live? That is another question I will no doubt have to answer. I liked Norman. Denton is alright. New Jersey, not so cool. I need to go west and visit that area. California, Portland, Ore, Seattle, WA.

It kind of sucks that I'm back at square one, rethinking my life. I've been here too often, it seems. But this is necessary, I think. Otherwise, how will know what to do?

I need a purpose. It seems like those with purpose are generally happier. I don't know if "happy" is the right word actually. They don't feel like they need to die, that's a better way of putting it. They don't feel they want to die, because they have a purpose which they must fulfill. I haven't found that purpose yet. I have no soulmate, career, children, masterpiece, or anything else that would give me purpose. I will search.

Fear is one thing that brings my mind down. Over-thinking is another. Over-thinking leads to fear sometimes. Over-thinking causes inaction. But how do I stop over-thinking? I'm researching it now.

I'll write more later.

-Leo

Online Personas

2010-07-04T17:48:00.004-04:00

Today is the 4th of July, and I'm sitting here at OU (still haven't moved out of Norman yet) browsing the internets. It's pouring hard outside. And the forecast up to Friday just has pictures of lightning, so it looks like it might be that way all... week... long.

I hope this doesn't make moving too difficult. And I hope the apartment we turned in an application to calls back soon. I think I'll just give them a call tomorrow, see what is going on.

So having a room is nice. It does get a bit lonely sometimes though. My closest friends are gone. But I find ways to pass the time. Just been watching many films, readings a bit here and there, but I haven't done what I really want to do yet though, and that is to sit down and write. Not this kind of writing. Not documenting. More like creative writing, I haven't done that yet. And I have a desk. What's stopping me? I don't know.

I have a lot of time to think now that Chris is gone, because I don't always have to do something. So I find myself staring off into space a lot, and letting my thoughts carry me away.

Guess I just have to wait for the inspiration, or look for it. The question is, where to start looking.

With this rain, today doesn't even feel festive. I don't feel any nationalist pride. I don't even feel a need to see fireworks. I updated my FB status to say "happy 4th everybody," but it's not that happy. It just is. Leads me to think about how status updates don't always reflect the real mood of the person. It is just a mask. Heck, the internet is just a mask. We sit behind this shield. We can say whatever we want, most of the time, without getting physically harmed, without any confrontation. My own update is an example of how fake internet personas can be. We create these personas, and update them when and how we see fit. In real life, we create personas, but it is not so easy to update them. We have to spend money in real life, waste time, educate ourselves, change outfits, etc... Online, we just have to change the "interests" section of the profile, or any other section. We can create new personas even. Personas that don't reflect the real person in the slightest. We can join groups without ever having to leave our home. All of this is in our reach. The whole world is in our reach. We just decide which way to reach.

That's all I got for now. I should go out and do something. But what on a rainy day?

-Leo

2010-06-30T23:45:00.001-04:00

It feels so good to have my own room. I have many of my belongings in here. I have a bed to sleep on. I have privacy. I feel better in a way. The nihilism is still somewhere inside me, but I’m not concentrating on it right now. Right now I’m concentrating on all this new stuff I got (well, new to me, they’re 2nd hand), and the beautiful music of Michel Camilo and Tomatito.

I’m taking care of a snake for 3 months, until Chris get’s his own place. I’m about to move to Denton. That part is uncertain. Moving is certain, but what happens after is uncertain. The job situation, money, etc... Plus I’m going to be living in an apartment with metal heads, so I hope I don’t have too much difficulty adjusting. I mean, I was a metal head at one time, and still listen to metal, but I was never much of a partier. I just hope it doesn’t get too out of hand, like too many people staying over all the time, and partying late all the time.

At least I will have my own room. If things do get loud, I can always just go into my own room! I’m emphasizing that because I haven’t had my own room for 10 months! I’ve had to put up with living in a living room, on a couch. So I guess I’m feeling good about that. I’m feeling good.

I’m really hoping I can be social down there, and meet new people. I somehow managed here, but I was also in school, so that helped a lot, because people taking the same classes share the same interest in topic much the time, so that is a talking point right there. I guess since I’m going to get certified to teach, I might have to take some classes, so that is going to help again meeting people. But I also want to try to meet new people outside of school and work, and basically expand my horizons when it comes to that. Step one: talk. Talk my ass off. Even if I don’t know what I’m talking about, just keep on talking. Make stuff up. Lie. Compliment. Joke. Rhyme. etc...

And lastly, I got to meet my newborn niece. She’s beautiful. I haven’t held a baby in a long time, and it was weird holding one. She’s so small. Last baby I (probably) held was my younger sister (18 years ago), and I don’t even remember holding her because I was so young, so it’s possible I never held her. So it was quite an experience, holding another human life in my hands. My brother and I played some music for her, giving her a good start on that. Put on some Sigur Ros, Ulver, Pink Floyd, and other good stuff.

Oh yeah, also Ingmar Bergman is probably my favorite director ever. That’s all.

it hasn't hit me yet

2010-06-27T06:56:00.003-04:00

that I'm about to be an uncle. I just got a call from my sister, saying she just went to the hospital. So now I'm just waiting. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep though. Hmm...

And Mexico plays Argentina today. It'd be a glorious day if I became an uncle and Mexico beat Argentina.

So I wonder what this uncle thing is like.

-Leo

Bloody Holly

2010-06-21T22:02:00.003-04:00

no, buying a lot of coffees just to get the scratch-and-win-$ cards does not make me a gambling addict! i just love the rush i get when i'm scratching the card! i feel so energized, and I don't know why!!! ARRGGG!!!

I need help. just kidding.

maybe I do, I don't know.

I don't know what's with the title of the post, I'm just listening to some Buddy Holly and thought I would appear cool for once if I put a "cool-kid" spin on the name. Someday I'll join those losers.

The cool kids get invited to all parties. I get invited if they're in need of a designated driver. I'm not the loser though. They can keep drinking all they want. I'll just sit back and laugh as they make asses of themselves. Sometimes that backfires though, and I'm sitting on the couch enjoying my pepsi (that I had to provide myself) and the whole party is pointing and laughing at me. I'll try to laugh with them for some time, but I can't last that long, and my tears soon start to mix in with the laughter. I tell them I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard, and that makes them laugh even harder, which in turn makes me cry even harder. I comfort myself by thinking over and over again that that's only happened 4 times.

It's ok, I'll get past this. Hopefully this book I'm reading will help. It's called Chicken Soup for You, Leo Loera, From Your Mom (heart). It's only one page long, and has only one sentence, "Get a job by tomorrow, or get the hell out!" I'll just leave a post it note on my door saying "I'm getting a job right now, don't come in please."

I don't really live with my mom. I just lied. I'm honest, that will be my downfall. The cause of my divorce will be that I can't lie. "That dress is too tight on you... What do you mean it's a queen sized blanket?" "No, this lipstick on me isn't yours. My buds threw me a party... Was she hot? What do you mean she?"

The cause of my time in prison will be the same honesty.

Officer: "How many drinks have you had tonight, bud?"

Me: "Enough to give you what you desire, champ."

It's all good though. This world could use a little more honesty. Speaking of honesty, I need a transition to my next joke, and I think that was a good one, especially since it has nothing to do with honesty. It's all about lying! Really though, it's not, it's about finishing on a good note. But it's funny how I did lie, and was honest about it, right?

-Leo

The Sun (and the couch)

2010-06-21T04:10:00.002-04:00

I don't think I ever mentioned how much I'm starting to hate couches. Or maybe it's not couches per se, maybe I'm just associating bad thoughts with sleeping on a couch.

I sleep on a couch, btw.

But that is about to change. I'm about to move to Denton, and most likely will have my own room. I'd prefer sleeping on the floor in my own room than a living room couch.

Another thing I hate is waking up with flea bites, or some sort of bites, don't know, they could be mosquitos. Or, as has happened twice now, waking up and there's a trail of ants walking to the table that is right beside this couch that I sleep on.

I hate waking up on the couch. It makes me feel worth less. Not completely without worth, just worth (space) less.

Funny thing happened today. I drew a tarot card, and it was The Sun. As I was driving in the car to get something to eat with Chris and Brandon, it felt like the sun was burning my skin more than usual. I'm taking some prescription medicine right now (I'll write why), and one of the side effects is sensitivity to the sun. So we eat and everything is good.

When we get home a little bit later, I'm shuffling and playing with the tarot cards, and I accidentally drop some of them. All of the ones I dropped landed face down, except one, The Sun. Wow, I think, what a coincidence.

Then Chris chose a card, and I told him about it. And then he asked if I could hold the deck so that he could choose another one, just to see what he would have gotten, but I said no, because... hmm... I guess because, no I don't know exactly why. I had a better reason in my head at the time, so I told him no I wouldn't hold it, and he went ahead and chose a card at random. Which one was it? THE SUN! I read about it, and was kind of buzzed, so I'll have to review it again. I think the reason I didn't want to hold the deck so he could choose another card is because I thought it would somehow lessen whatever tarot powers there were, going back and choosing another one.

Here's a kicker, I consider myself atheist. But I'm always wondering if there is something else. I don't believe there is such thing as agnostic, we were talking about this earlier, because if one doesn't know, then that means that one lacks a belief in a god, and is therefor atheist. Or if one believes something exists, but does not know what it is, then one is a deist. So do I believe in the tarot? Rationally, no I don't. Something inside me wants to think that there is something else, and I can't ignore that something inside me, so I will no doubt keep on trying to interpret signs in the future (like I always have, even though a lot of the times, maybe all the times, the signs are fruitless).

And the reason I'm taking medicine right now is because I was bit by a tick 2 weeks ago, and I was experiencing some symptoms that worried me, so I went to the doctor, and she prescribed the medicine, and I'm waiting for a blood test. I'm hoping it's nothing. That would mean that I took medicine for nothing, and got burned by The Sun for nothing. But I'm comforted knowing that I'm taking the necessary precautions in case I did have something. I'd rather have gone to the doctor and known, than to be living worried.

I thought of a story. It's about a guy who gets prescribed this medicine, but he takes too much of it, so he kind of turns into a vampire, because he took so much of the medicine that it made him not be able to be in the sun at all. And he was a goth or something, and in the past he sharpened his fangs, so now he looks like a vampire AND feels like one. And he convinces himself that he's turning into one, so he starts craving blood, even though there is no physical connection, it's all in his head.

I should go to sleep, I have to work later.

-Leo

comedy

2010-06-14T21:34:00.004-04:00

it can always make a person with an existential crisis smile. most of the time.

how did i get to this point anyways? something not long ago made me realize that my life was lacking. and from there, I just kind of drifted.

No, actually it was even before that, because I remember watching an episode of family guy where Brian and Stewie are stuck in a bank vault and Brian reveals that his life is meaningless too, and I remember thinking that I feel that way too.

I wonder if it was that little thought that led me here. That's as far back as I can remember, because I have no transcendent meaning, and haven't had one for a long time (maybe I've never had one). But could it be that this infantile cartoon got me to concentrate on meaninglessness?

I'm not feeling particularly down right now. That feeling of down-ness comes suddenly at times, and from there my concentration goes to the meaninglessness.

that's as far as I can carry this post.

Maybe this is just a downtime, and soon there will be an upswing.

-Leo

nothing else to concentrate on, except

2010-06-12T04:04:00.003-04:00

this fuckin life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnxP4BhNVU8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erhg7J2EyX4&feature=related

my dream of going to Mexico is still alive

2010-06-05T18:11:00.002-04:00

View Larger Map

I just have find a good paying job once i move to Denton. It's the 200th anniversary of independence, and the 100th anniversary of the revolution. The calling is strong.

-Leo

This Meaningless Life

2010-05-29T02:49:00.001-04:00

fuck this life

No Wonder

2010-05-24T22:41:00.002-04:00

I can't concentrate, because I'm hyped up on sugar and heavy metal. The sugar due to a half cup of a soft drink, and a half of a brownie, making a whole lot of sugar, and caffeine. Mixed with this:

that's it, I'm out of the game.

-LJL

A Thought on Life

2010-04-02T04:50:00.002-04:00

We don't wake up one day and realize that life is worth living. We don't have a life-changing experience that would change our minds. For us, similar minded people, that is, life is meaningless. It is a burden that we must bear through. There are times that make us laugh. There are times that make us feel good. Drinking with friends, playing outside, seeing children smile. All of these make us smile in turn. And yet, if given the choice, we would choose non-existence.

Life is just not worth living.

back to nightshift

2010-03-21T14:06:00.000-04:00

When one unknowingly drinks something that was poisoned, is that considered suicide? After all, the person is taking actions that will bring about his own death. But he is not aware of that. Would we say that a person who is eating unhealthy foods constantly is committing suicide? Some would. I would, if it were an extreme case, something like three double cheeseburgers everyday. But if the person is not intending to die, then it is not suicide.

Every living thing is going towards death. If one intends to bring about one's death, and acts on it, then it is an act of suicide. If one performs an act that brings about one's death, but does so unknowingly, then it is not suicide. If one unknowingly performs an act that brings about death, and desires death, then this is still not suicide. It brings about what one desires, but the act was not intended to bring death, and is therefore not suicide.

What is suicide? Do people really desire death? Or is it that people just desire a cessation of their suffering? What about a nihilist? A nihilist believes there is no meaning to anything. If everything is meaningless, then there is no reason to live. One can continue living a meaningless existence, or end the meaningless life. So if a nihilist commits suicide, then it is because of a lack of meaning. The nihilist does not desire death, but meaning. Suicide then, is an act that arises from suffering or meaninglessness.

I wrote this after watching this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ95z6ywcBY&feature=player_embedded

maybe this will be the last post in a while since I'm going back to nightshift. We'll see.

happy birthday to me (and rupert murdoch, ugh)

2010-03-15T09:06:00.008-04:00

Well, I'm 25 now. if i live to be 100, that would mean I'm a 1/4 through my life! how time flies. I do feel different, but that's been happening for some time now. Not in a bad way either. I could even say I'm feeling better.

Now, to get my life on some sort of stable path...

March 11 birthdays

I had a pretty fun birthday, and 4 day weekend. Got to hang out with friends, relax, meet new people, smoke around a bonfire, think about the stars, and natural elements out on a farm, drink Lucid brand absinthe, dress fancy, get a haircut, wake up in the morning (because I'm working dayshift during the spring break, man I'm missing out!), watch two good movies (The Hurt Locker and Precious), have lunch on a patio outside and feel the nice breeze. It was the best break I've had in a long time.

So I woke up around 7am today, feeling good right now, and going to work in about an hour. Next week, it's back to the graveyard shift :s

oh, and one of the things i got for my birthday was one of those dip ink pens, the ones that you have to keep dipping in ink to write. Now all i need is a desk, because it's a whole lot better using one of those on a desk, as opposed to writing on one's lap.

-Leo

p.s. I actually felt like updating this. I find it no coincidence that since I'm working in the day time, and have a "normal" sleep schedule that I was inspired to write. Ok, I'm going to try to look for a day job sometime :)

finally wrote something

2010-03-02T22:22:00.002-05:00

actually, i've written other things, but not on the laptop. I've written with my hand on a paper, and haven't typed it up and put it on here. but here is something I just wrote, unedited, and I haven't revised it. I probably won't.

the division between liberals and conservatives. on the one side, liberals believe that big government can solve problems, and believe big government is a solution. conservatives believe that individual liberty is key, and that big government creates more problems than it solves.

But with with that comes problems. Multinational corporations would have one believe that they are conservative because they too believe in individual liberty. But this is a false dichotomy. Big corporations are just as faulty as big government. Who do you want deciding what is best for your health? Corporations or the government. Who do you want handling your finances? Corporations, or the government? Who do you want taking care of the environment? the corporations, or the government?

Both are just 2 sides of the same coin, the coin being authority. And this isn't some authority we can just call up on the phone and complain to any time of the day. This authority works through complex networks, where you have to talk to machines, to representatives, to salesmen. But one can never talk to the CEO or the president. Government is supposed to be by the people, for the people. Corporations are supposed to be controlled when customers vote by what they buy.

But are either of these true? Have we seen any evidence we can point to? Americans get to vote every 4 years to change the presidency, but look at the options we get. We can either choose republican, or democrat. And what do both sides believe? One embodies the "free market" and speaks of individual liberty, while being supported by the corporations (both are actually funded by big spenders). The other speaks of more government to protect the people, while also being funded by corporations. When republicans have been voted into office, have we seen any real effort to reduce the size of the government? I haven't. I've seen the government increase the size of the military, impede on individual liberties, and really, they only helped out big business. When democrats were voted into office, I saw didn't see the government give back any of the power it gained during the Bush administration. I saw an increase in troops in Afghanistan. And I saw that they helped out big business too! What's the big idea? Have both parties lost sight of who they are working for?

Republicans are no longer about smaller government (actually, they are now changing that in order to gain their power back. since they have been voted out of power, and Obama took office, NOW they are saying let's lessen the government. and now they tag along with the tea party movement, where was this movement during the Bush years?) Democrats are no longer for protecting consumers from big business. Now both parties are the parties of big business and big government.

The terms liberal and conservative should be stripped from the democrat and republican parties, respectively. Instead, these should be applied (they were already applied, actually): Democrat= Big Government. Republican= Big Business. And to tell you the truth, neither seems appealing to me, since big business supports big government, and vice versa.

p.s. I don't believe that ALL democrats and ALL republicans are hopeless. There are worthy candidates on both sides, who still represent the people.

Time is still lost

2010-02-13T08:11:00.001-05:00

why do i even bother with this? should I just take this blog down?

2009-12-26T20:18:00.001-05:00

update

2009-10-24T02:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated in a while, and to tell the truth, I'm not sure when another full-length entry will be written, but here is a small something for now.

I'm reading about how to pour wine. "Fill each glass to no more than two-thirds full. This allows room for the guest to swirl it, if they choose." -source

Also, I don't know the exact reason I haven't updated as much, but I think it might have to do with my new work schedule. I work overnights now, 10pm-6am. It's not bad, but for some reason I feel like time is lost.

-Leo

Sleep Process

2009-09-28T06:05:00.001-04:00

When I go to sleep, there are all these little characters in my mind. At the end of a long day, they are tired, and ready to rest, and that is when they start shutting down lights, and other devices. They clean up the desks, file the papers, store the memories, and do all sorts of clean up work.

Sometimes one of them will disrupt the process. Like anger, he got mad today because of some things that I went through today, and he started making a fuss. That is when he started choking another character. But luckily there was a character who knew karate, and he kicked him in the head and knocked anger out.

I’m not sure who this karate character was, but he seemed pretty rational, and like a good leader. He then said they all should sit down and think about the day’s events, but another character said that they need rest, because they can’t function well while they’re tired. So the karate guy agreed, and they continued shutting the lights down. Then he opened the head of anger, and shut down his switch, and they all shut down their switches, with karate guy being the only one left. He then went to a different room, where there was a character waiting.

I’m not sure about this guy. He seems like an overseer. He was just sitting tapping his fingers on a desk. Either that, or he’s a night shift worker, just like them.

Either way, he keeps the body running at night, like the breathing and stuff, and he also is in charge of the dreams. He has to look over all the files and stuff, and he decides what files are worth dreaming over. He’s a mysterious fellow. The other characters don’t see much of him.

Anyways, he opened the head of the karate guy and shut him down, and the night process began.

-Leo

simple

2009-09-22T20:33:00.004-04:00

This stew I just made turned out tasty and hearty. I'm pretty proud of myself because I don't cook very much. I was kind of worried while I was making it, worrying if I put in the potatoes too soon, or if I put too much noodles, or too little water. Well, it could have used a little more water, but besides that, it was good. Next time I'll improve on it. And it wasn't even that difficult to make! That was the best part. I should have taken a picture of how good it looked.

Ingredients: 1 potato, half a bag of baby carrots, 2 squashes, about two handfuls of green beans (not chopped up, the one's that look like peas in a pod somewhat), 2 vegetable bouillon cubes, half of a bag of noodles, and water.

Directions: boil the water. then add everything and cook until the potatoes are soft and the noodles are too.

simple, right? and it made more than enough for two people. My brother and I got full, and there's some left over sitting on the stove right now.

For dessert, pieces of dark chocolate.

-Leo

p.s. I'm reading The Omnivore's Dilemma right now, and I'm at the beginning right now, where he's talking about how a lot of what we eat contains corn. I'm curious what food that I ate today contains corn. Because even vegetables that one would not think have corn have corn. Whatever gives cucumbers their gloss- corn. Soft drinks- corn syrup. Butter, eggs, twinkies, even boxes, all have something that corn is a part of. I'm not sure if all this corn the average American eats is bad though. We'll see.

depression+pills= paradise?

2009-09-16T17:59:00.004-04:00

If a person was in a depressed state of mind, would making them angry be a good thing? Because if the person is angry, then they are not depressed anymore, or at least not as much as they were. I had in mind that if a person was depressed, then what if another person just slapped them. Those first few seconds after the slap would be met with confusion, like "wtf just happend?" And then what would that confusion turn into?

I mean there is no slap that would make a person instantly happy, is there? Giving someone delicious food would be like a temporary pleasure. So she would be feeling physical pleasure, but feeling mental pain. Hmm...

I'm going to read this article now, and research more.

I began thinking about slapping a depressed person, then I started thinking about drugs, and whether it would be a good thing to take drugs in order to get rid of depression. There's something dystopian about taking drugs that make one instantly feel better, but I can't find the underlying problem with it. I'll keep on reading.

thoughts on healthcare and critical thought (lolcats included)

2009-09-06T01:56:00.006-04:00

I’m in a good mood right now, and I don’t know why. I don’t think I should be, because of my past due student loan bills, and the upcoming ones that I won’t be able to pay soon. Well, I might be able to pay some off in about 2 weeks, and that’s just a maybe. I found a job, which I’m anxious about. I already started, it’s a Mexican restaurant, and I’m sure I’ll get used to it like any other job. It’s just those first few weeks of being in a new environment, with new faces, and a whole menu to learn, and having all that responsibility. It’s a combination of all these things that brings about anxiety.

But for now, all that is in the back of my mind. I just finished watching half of season 4 of Weeds, which was really good. Earlier I watched Adventureland, which was better than I thought. And now I’m listening to some good music, typing away on this laptop.

There is a march in Oklahoma City next Sunday which I plan to attend; it’s a march for healthcare. I’m not sure what I can say about this that hasn’t already been said. I would think it’s pretty obvious that healthcare should be a right. Services like the police force, education, and firefighters are already provided by the government. These things protect life and improve life. I don’t see how healthcare is any different. Veterans, the elderly, and members of Congress receive healthcare from the government, why shouldn’t we?

I’ll take a guess. Republicans/ conservatives are so afraid that this will somehow lead to communism. And big insurance companies are not helping at all. I’m sure that their money is paying for the advertisements that run on Fox news and other major news media. So they get paid to run these advertisements, and to put on air people who spread ideas about death panels and abortion being covered by government healthcare. It’s simple really.

Forgive me for being so cynical, but the reason, I suspect, people believe everything they hear on the television is because they do not know any better. They have been raised to believe what they hear on the news. MSM has done such a good job of brainwashing people to believe their lies, that all it takes is an “expert” or an “analyst” or a mouthpiece like Glenn Beck for people to believe what they hear. Or maybe it’s a bigger problem than just the media. Maybe the problem lies with society at large. Maybe it’s a combination of religiosity and consumerism.

This is either really complex, or really simple. It could be that the problem lies in one idea; that idea being “capitalism.” I believe the problem is more complex. I don’t even know where to start. Well, I started with healthcare, and how I believe it should be universalized. The reason one person opposes healthcare is different from the reason another person opposes it. One person could oppose it because she actually has a substantive ideology behind her opposition, like libertarianism. Another person could oppose it because of what I said earlier, maybe she believes everything Glenn Beck says without question. Ok, well there is the answer. There is no single right answer. Either that or the question I asked was not asked correctly. Instead of asking “Why do people oppose universal healthcare?” I should ask “Why does person A oppose universal healthcare?” I would get a more specific answer out of this.

Is there a word for the type of thinking I am currently engaging in? Critical analysis? Well, it could get much more critical than this. I could break down more of these ideas and questions, but that’d take too long. I’m satisfied with the current answer. If I become unsatisfied with it later, I’ll analyze it. Now I’m curious as to how many people engage in critical analysis. I’m thinking that the world would be a much better place if more people just thought about what is going on, about their previous, current, and future actions, and about the ideas that they receive from various sources. But that seems idealistic to me. For one, there are some people who actively oppose critical thinking because they are afraid of what they will find. I have actually heard this reason before, that someone does not like to think deeply because he is afraid of what he will find, or he doesn’t want to know because the truth might be ugly. There are others who have gotten too comfortable with their present state, so they don’t see a reason to think deeply. And there is a third group that cannot think deeply. They have been raised to just believe what they see and hear, and ignore other points of view. Maybe this could be changed.

Of course there is the epistemological possibility that the form of thinking I’m engaging in is wrong. But what is “wrong” anyways? Wrong in the sense that it won’t get me closer to the truth? I better stop myself. I’d have to go into truth, right and wrong, epistemology (oh god I’m having college flashbacks), and a whole set of issues on which there are volumes and volumes of books.

I’ll go back to what I started this about; my good feeling state. I know it won’t last forever, but while it’s here, I might as well try to spread it. Does critical thinking make you feel good? Does it make you feel good that I’m addressing you as “you,” making it more personal? Well, it’s a deception. I don’t really know who is reading this. Hmm... that doesn’t sound very happy. How do I go about spreading this good feeling? How do I go about spreading this good feeling when I’m tired? I’ll sleep on it. Maybe I’ll come up with an answer overnight.

For now, I’ll leave you with lolcats, and hope that will suffice.

-Leo

A Strange Dream

2009-09-03T11:54:00.002-04:00

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was staying at my dad’s old house on 13th street, in Ponca City. Then a man holding a baby, with another young child walking along, came up to the door, and were asking for a seat because they wanted to rest at the house. Then they asked me if there were any seats in the back yard, because they didn’t want to sit in the front because they were hiding from someone. I let them inside the house when we saw a car creeping up. They went into my dad’s room, and then I saw another car. The first car pulled into the driveway all the way to the back, and the second car left.

I immediately went through the house to the back of the house, and I could see that someone had already entered the house, and I shouted “hey” or something like that “what do you want?” Then I shouted in Spanish, because the man was Latino (just like the father and his two children). He immediately ran into the next room, and into the kitchen, while I chased after him. Then he went into my old room, and tried grabbing him, and he tried pushing me off, while I kept shouting “what are you doing here?” He got away that time, and went into my dad’s room, and was looking for the father and his children obviously. I somehow got the sense that this guy was also the son of the father. He didn’t see them, because they were hiding behind the door he swung open.

Then I grabbed the man from behind and choked him, and hit him a few times in the head. I squeezed really hard, and then let go when I thought he was going to die. I pulled him to the back door again, and threw him out, and then I went outside, and threw him down the stairs into the back yard. I don’t know how it happened, but when I looked down at the battered and bruised body, it turned out to be a child! I went down the stairs, and put him in a position so as to be more comfortable. I then got a blanket out, and put it on the grass, and helped him to lay on the blanket. I think I remember telling him “I’m sorry, but you just shouldn’t do that,” or something along those lines, and he started crying quietly.

Then I saw three older caucasian men walking down the driveway. They stopped at the car, and were admiring it, looking to buy it. It was a green Camaro, I believe, except the wheels had somehow gotten removed, and it was sitting on bricks. So I helped the kid up, and went towards the men, and they were shaking the car, and I told them “be careful, because it’s going to fall off the bricks,” and one of them said, “no, it’s ok.” The car did fall off the bricks, and they struggled to put it back how it was. That’s when the dad holding the baby came out the back door, and the son who was downstairs walked up the stairs, and the dad opened the door for him. They went to go talk things out, but I didn’t follow them, so I don’t know for sure. I think that was the end of my dream.

-Leo

Michael Pollan: The Omnivore's Dilemma

2009-08-29T13:35:00.003-04:00

A good hour long video, talking about organic food, big stores that carry organic food (like Whole Foods), local food, etc... It's really good.

bookmark it, and watch it when you have time.

-Leo

from a bad day to a good one

2009-08-29T00:10:00.003-04:00

I'm glad to be back in Norman. Well, I'd be gladder (<--- I looked it up, it's legit) if I had a job. That's the only thing that's bringing me down right now. Without a job, other problems arise. Like being late in paying my student loans and stuff. Not good.

But I did see some live music at Cafe Plaid, so that cheered me up. I missed the whole live and local scene here. The artist playing was John Calvin and a band, I'm not sure if the band as a whole had a name or what, but the music was great nonetheless. Some folk, blues, psychedelic, and alternative made the night a whole lot better.

I also got some literature from a friend today, so that's going to keep me busy. The Stranger by Albert Camus, Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky, Basic Writings of Existentialism (a collection of works with the likes of Soren Kierkegaard, Friedrich "God is dead" Nietzsche, and Fyodor Dostoevsky [I still need to check out and finish Crime and Punishment], among others), Introduction to Metaphysics by Heidegger (I might skip this one, unless Heidegger can convince me that metaphysics does have some practical use), Existentialism: A Very Short Introduction by Thomas R. Flynn, How to Meditate by Lawrence LeShan, and another anthology called Philosophy of Religion. Oh! I just discovered two pamphlets inside the big Philosophy of Religion book; Notes on Anarchism by Noam Chomsky, and Anarchism: What It Really Stands For by Emma Goldman. So it looks like the rest of the year is going to be existential and anarchistic (thanks Jared). (oh yeah, this is in addition to the digitalized literature I got before I left New Jersey from a friend and co-worker; about four gigs of mostly socialist/communist and anarchist literature! [thanks Max])

I'm not feeling as bad as I was earlier, that is good.

-Leo

feels good to be back

2009-08-26T00:46:00.003-04:00

Sadly, my bike got another flat tire today. The same back tire that I just got fixed last Friday! Back to the shop for the ol' clunker. It was bringing me great joy too. I haven't even used my car that much. Actually, a friend is borrowing my car right now, because I didn't even need it. Looks like I need it now though.

Still looking for a job here. I've applied at some places. It'd be great to work outdoors.

And I took some pictures too, click here to see them. They are of Norman. Good ol' Norman.

I've been listening to classical music lately. Not right now, right now Taxman is playing. But earlier I was listening to just Chopin, Beethoven's String Quartet no. 15, and Solo Piano Sky fm on itunes radio. Maybe this is why the name "Mussorgsky" randomly popped into my head not too long ago, so I could enjoy it today.

I actually got mad at myself today for thinking this way. I think this way too much. Looking for connections between everything, and thinking that things happen for some sort of transcendent reason. It gets annoying. I need to retrain my thought. I don't know if that's possible, because I've been thinking that way for a looong time. Oh well, maybe it will serve a purpose in the future. Argh! I did it again!

hahaha

2009-08-23T21:30:00.002-04:00

"'4 The Argument from Degree. We notice that things in the world

differ. There are degrees of, say, goodness or perfection. But

we judge these degrees only by comparison with a maximum.

Humans can be both good and bad, so the maximum goodness

cannot rest in us. Therefore there must be some other maxi-

mum to set the standard for perfection, and we call that

maximum God.'

That's an argument? You might as well say, people vary in smelli-

ness but we can make the comparison only by reference to a perfect

maximum of conceivable smelliness. Therefore there must exist a

pre-eminently peerless stinker, and we call him God. Or substitute

any dimension of comparison you like, and derive an equivalently

fatuous conclusion."

-Richard Dawkins on Thomas Aquinas's (<--- right use of apostrophe?) 4th argument for God's existence, from The God Delusion.

Another post about Mussorgsky

2009-08-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

This one I found on NPR yesterday, about an artist who made art based on Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition music. Mussorgsky made the work based on works of art at an exhibition, hence the name. But the visual art pieces of Robin Rhode, the new artist, made visuals based on just the music, not the visuals that inspired Mussorgsky.

Click here to go to the page

-Leo

The Journey Home

2009-08-19T14:21:00.002-04:00

This was from the trip back to Oklahoma. You can see bigger versions of the pictures in the photobucket album.

The Meaning of Life

2009-08-16T21:27:00.001-04:00

Many things going through my mind right now, most likely because I’m about to move, again. I have to start somewhere though. I was just reading an article about what makes life worth living, and on the 7th rule for making life worth living, here’s what it said; “Rule Seven: Purpose comes from your creative faculties. Want to know what your purpose in life is? Simple. Hold your hands in front of you. Now look at them. There is your purpose and means to do it.” I don’t know why, but this made me laugh. Not a mocking kind of laugh, just a laugh like “wow, these hands are the means to carry out my purpose in life.” I still don’t know how the hands themselves are the purpose in life, they are just the means.

I still don’t know what my purpose in life is. I don’t suppose a purpose will just be thrown in my lap either. I have to find my own purpose. But I come back to a question that comes up time after time; how? I guess having to answer “how” is a lot easier than having to answer “why.” But that is another question that also arises. Why should I find a purpose in life? Wouldn’t it be much easier to just die? I guess the answer is yes. BUT what if finding a purpose in life would make a life worth living? Then the answer to the “why” question would be self-explanatory. Why should I live? Because (insert your purpose in life here). On the other hand, what if that purpose in life was a lame purpose? Then that wouldn’t make life worth living.

That is why I’d have to think about what would make life worth living. I still haven’t figured that out yet. Would being rich make my life worth living? I’m not sure, because I’ve never been rich. What if it’s not all that it’s made out to be? Hmm... There are many things, though, that I have not experienced. Would being married make life worth living? Having children? Being famous? And since I haven’t experienced them, I don’t know if they would make life worth living. So how does one solve this problem?

I have some idea of a life that I would like to live. But the ideas are general, vague, and all over the place. Does one just choose one like drawing straws? Not only that, but these ideas of what I strive for change with time. As a child, I wanted to be many things, including paleontologist, a soldier, a cowboy. In high school I wanted to be a rock star. Now I want to be a professor and writer (I guess that’s not so general, vague, and all over the place). What if that changes? I was wrong, that is general and vague. Professor of what? Writer of what? I don’t know.

How do people do this “life” thing anyways? That is the question I started out with today. Not that very question, more like “why is life so hard?” My life is not so hard right now, not like it was just a week ago. But what brought this question up was saying goodbye to the friends that I made here in New Jersey. This is approximately the fourth time I’ve had to say goodbye in a major way. Graduating high school was the first, leaving Ponca City for Norman was the second, leaving Norman for New Jersey was the third, and now leaving New Jersey back to Norman is the fourth. And it makes me sad, and that’s what brought the question up; how do people do this? How do they do this without just saying “this sucks, I give up, life over.” (on a random side note, I still haven’t mastered the use of quotation marks and whether periods go outside or inside, and the same for commas, question marks, and everything else. the last sentence brought this up, because I wasn’t sure whether to put a question mark or period inside or outside the quotation marks.)

Just thinking about how I’m never going to see some people again brings my spirits down. “I’m never going to see so-and-so again.” Shit man, that’s such a deep statement. One day you’re talking to him or her, the next day goes by without him/her, and the next, and the next, and so on forever and ever. If I believed in an afterlife, maybe there would be a chance to see them, but I don’t believe in one, so that’s it. That is it. How do people deal with this? How do people deal with life in general? There are so many other sad-making moments that it makes me wonder what are they doing that makes life worth living.

I don’t know the answers to these questions. All I know is that I need to find a purpose in life. What if the purpose of life was to find a purpose of life? Would that make life worth living? I’d be disappointed if that was the purpose of life. Spending all my life searching, only to find that that was the purpose. I’d blow my brains out right there because I’d be so mad. Then I’d gather all my brains bits and mash them together and put them back in my skull and blow them out all over again.

I’m reminded of the part in the movie Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Sam are in Mordor, and they are really exhausted, and Sam says something like “Come on, let’s make it down this hill for starters.” Baby steps. They started by going down the hill (or was it up?), and eventually saved Middle Earth. Well, I might as well start somewhere in finding the meaning of life. Tomorrow I’m driving back to Norman. I can plan my next move there.

The sooner I find the meaning of life, the sooner I can write about it, and help others who have the same problem. Optimistic, right? The problem is that everyone has to find their own meaning, so mine probably wouldn’t help Leon Funior Floera out in Namron, Oklahoma.

-LJL

before the drive

2009-08-16T14:15:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I start the drive back to Norman. I'm anxious because I don't know what I'll do once I get there. Graduate school is an idea that has been going through my mind. I wanted to go sometime in the future, I didn't think it'd be this soon though. Maybe it won't be, because I would still have to take the GRE, and I'd need time to study for it, and then I'd have to enroll in school and go through the whole process of financial aid, and all that other stuff involved with enrolling. Maybe I can enter grad school by next Fall, who knows. I would also have to think about what I would want to study once I get there, and narrow my focus. Latin American studies is a strong contender, but what within this broad field is the question.

I have some thinking to do once I get to Oklahoma.

-LJL

A Dream

2009-08-16T14:09:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I had a dream that I was on the way back to Oklahoma. I was barely getting out of New Jersey, when I came upon a cliff with a valley down below and a cliff on the other side (I'm not sure what this is called, a canyon?). I parked my car somewhere close to the edge, and got out and saw a statue of a Native American on a horse, dressed in traditional garb. Further away, on the edge of the cliff there were two more statues, except they were not on horses, they were just standing tall looking out past the canyon. That's when I heard the loud explosion of a lightning bolt, and saw it pretty close too. I remember almost waking up because of the sound, and it felt like my body shook when it happened, and like my ear heard it in the real world (not the dream world) too.

-LJL

There I go again

2009-08-13T11:00:00.003-04:00

thinking that everything happens for a reason (well, technically they do, just not how I was thinking of it, I was thinking of a more mystical version of destiny, but that's for another time). This time, I'm wondering why did I wake up with Ravel and Mussorgsky on my mind. Not any pieces of music in particular, just the names. Such unique names (to me, I don't know if they are unique in their respective countries). Well, I know why I woke up with Mussorgsky on my mind, because yesterday the name popped into my mind all of a sudden at work. I wonder if that happens to anyone else, where random things pop into their minds.

Modest Mussorgsky... what a name. So then today when I woke up, I was trying to remember the name that was in my mind yesterday. I couldn't remember, so I typed the first name that came to mind on youtube. That name was Ravel. The first video on the list was Bolero. Then I read a little bit about Maurice Ravel, and that's when I remembered, "Mussorgsky was the name!" It says on the wikipedia page that Ravel's arrangement of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition is the most recorded and performed. So there we go, a coincidence that these two linked figures magically appeared in my mind.

Wait, another coincidence. Last night I was discussing Disney and Looney Tunes with a friend. Sometime in the conversation, I mentioned that I'd take Fantasia over Space Jam any day. Well, a piece by Mussorgsky appears in that movie, that piece being Night on Bald Mountain. So there's coincidence number two. Will I realize a third one today? I don't know.

So while I try to figure these out, I'll leave you with the last part of Pictures at an Exhibition, which includes my favorite part The Great Gate of Kiev:

and an encore, Night on Bald Mountain (from Fantasia, and it includes a bit of Schubert's Ave Maria):

What a beautiful film. The music and the images. Bravo.

-Leo

Gotta make lemonade

2009-08-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

I'm moving back to Norman, by the way. I forgot if I mentioned that already or not. The court thing went well yesterday. The judge said I was really lucky, and she seemed really nice. So I'm thankful for that, and the fact that people confuse me and my dad a lot because of our similar names (the only difference is "Junior" which is my middle name). So I guess I just have to tie up any loose ends I have here. I can't think of many off the top of my head. My last day of work is on the 14th, and I'm taking off from here on the 17th.

Another road trip! I'm excited. I'm not so excited about having to search for another job again, or having to try to enroll again in school. But it's part of life. I have to make lemonade with the lemons that are given to me. Actually, speaking of juice, I found a good recipe today for juice today. It's something that is made a lot in Mexico, and it's so simple too, I don't know why I never thought of it! It's called Agua Fresca. Nice intro in the video too, Mr Bittman.

going back to the shire

-Leo

A Memory

2009-08-11T11:48:00.003-04:00

Once a long time ago, in my adolescence, my dad and I were driving on some desert highway from Monterrey to Torreon, if I remember correctly. It was a quiet drive in a white Toyota pick up truck that we were delivering from point A to point B. Not even the radio was on, only the sound of the road, with an occasional question and discussion. All of a sudden, we heard a loud crack, like a really loud gun being fired, that startled the both of us. It was a lightning bolt that had appeared on the right side of our moving truck, probably a two minute walk away from us. We were both amazed seeing and hearing a single lightning bolt so close up, hitting the dirt ground. There was barely any discussion about it afterwards, maybe a "wow, did you see it?" or something along those lines. The rest of the drive was similarly as talkative.

I officially love this band

2009-08-10T04:06:00.002-04:00

Fleet Foxes is their name, and I've been listening to their self titled LP all day. This video isn't on the album, it's on an EP entitled Sun Giant. I'll be buying their music in the future. Beautiful folk/ folk rock.

also...

2009-08-08T22:40:00.002-04:00

this article sums up my thoughts on amusement parks. It's entitled "Why Do People Go To Amusement Parks," and it's pretty self explanatory. It's short, and it basically says because it's an escape from the mundane.

I liked seeing happy faces yesterday, on kids and parents. One thing I didn't like was line cutters. they ruin it for those who patiently (or impatiently) wait in line.

Six Flags

2009-08-08T21:52:00.004-04:00

it's official, I'm in love with roller coasters! I rode on El Toro yesterday, and also on Batman the Ride. If there was any downside, it was the lines. We waited about an hour or more for El Toro, and 45 minutes for Batman. The rides were soooo cool though, that I forgot about the lines, and I mostly remember the thrill. Next time it'd be useful to get one of those passes that gets you through quicker. The last one we rode that night was.... I forgot it's name actually. The log where you go on water and get splashed sometimes. The thrill was alright, nothing compared to El Toro, but it was a fun last ride for the night. Now that I think of it, I had fun. We saw Bugs Bunny, Batman, and a bunch of other characters, Yosemite Sam, Sylvester, Tweety, etc... I was kind of skeptical going in actually. Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey was the park. I saw Kingda Ka there, and that looked like it would have been the most thrilling one, but it was closed, apparently due to lightning striking it. If I ever come back to this park, I'll definitely go on Kingda Ka.

So I just learned something new. Amusement parks are a great temporary escape from the problems of the real world. I had fun. I actually had fun! I haven't said that in a while. Some of those games are impossible though! Example: there are three blocks on a small platform, and the object of the game is to throw a softball at them and knock them all off the platform. How is it that someone can throw a ball and hit the middle one, and it just the middle one flies off, and the top block falls perfectly on the bottom block? They must have magnets or something that keep them on the table. I don't know how much money we spent trying to win one of those guitars in that game. And there was so much other stuff to see, but we didn't see everything. There was a glow in the dark night time parade or something that we missed. And there was a safari that we didn't get to. So basically a lot of stuff to do at amusement parks. I'm looking forward to the next one I visit.

But the roller coasters! I'm a fan now. Can't wait for the next one I ride. I gotta do some research, see where there are some other formidable coasters.

-Leo

the cherry on top

2009-08-07T06:18:00.003-04:00

so I can't wait to go back to Norman. Yesterday I waited for a call that never came, and that basically put the bad cherry on top of a terrible bad luck ice cream sunday.

Now that I think of it, my court date is on Tuesday, that might put a second cherry on the ice cream.

Maybe a better analogy would be nails in the coffin. ice cream is too pleasant to describe how I feel.

Luckily Pink Floyd lessened the impact of the fall. Dark Side of the Moon took my mind away from all this crap temporarily. For 42 minutes and 52 seconds, my mind was not here.

so I can't wait to go back to Norman.

-LJL

The Once Great Falcon

2009-08-07T06:10:00.001-04:00

It was dawn, and a crowd had already gathered around the sacred ground of the Great Falcon. Once every year, for 99 years, the giant falcon had risen from pile of ashes, colored grey, only to ascend high into the air and reveal it’s true beauty. As it rose higher and higher, the wind shook off the ashes, and the shine of it’s black and white feathers reflected the sunlight.

The people waited patiently, everyone wanting to catch a glimpse of this event shrouded in mystery. How did this spot come to be? How long has it been doing this for? Why does it choose this day? These were the questions that ran through the minds of visitors from afar, as they clutched their cameras, as vendors sold various toys and pictures, as the wishful prepared their silent rituals.

The sun was rising higher and higher, and those who had been there before were growing anxious. In past years, it had not waited this long to arise. The minutes went by; 6:00, 6:15, 6:30... Nothing. The sun was already half showing. When the sun fully shown, a sense of despair came over the crowd. The tourists re-read the pamphlet which stated how the event would go. The locals approached the makeshift fence of sticks and rope encircling the giant patch of ashes to inspect the area for anything out of place. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

For 99 years, the Great Falcon had risen from the ashes, bringing a sense of hope to those who sought it. On it’s 100th year, it did not appear, and only two remained on the grounds by 8:00. One, a young visitor who had read about the falcon in books, and longed to see it at least once. On his 24th birthday, he received a ticket to the event from an anonymous stranger. The other remaining person was an old local, who had been to every rising for the last 50 years.

“I was about your age when I first saw the Great Falcon,” the old man said, startling the visitor. “Year after year, I would take delight in hearing the graceful sound of it’s wing cutting through the air, and it’s tremendous squawk. And now, I’m afraid it won’t appear again.”

“What makes you think it won’t appear again?” asked the visitor.

“Love only survives for so long within, but after waiting for years and years for a response to a call, the heart eventually tires, and wears out.”

the hidden pain

2009-08-06T21:31:00.003-04:00

(just another poem I wrote after a video I watched about creativity, I'll see if I can find it again and post it later)

Just look

the pain behind those eyes

a cry for help

a sense of despair

on the verge of tears

ready to fall unto weak knees

only an embrace

would alleviate the suffering

but on these cold streets

on this rainy day

in this gray city

everyone is heading their own way

Today's Playlist

2009-08-06T11:37:00.003-04:00

In no particular order:

Pink Floyd- San Tropez

Bon Iver- Skinny Love

Landberk- Waltz of the Dark Riddle

The Beatles- All you Need is Love

Opeth- Harvest

Joan Baez- Diamonds and Rust

Bjork- Pagan Poetry

Samantha Crain and the Midnight Shivers- Rising Sun

My Morning Jacket- Sec Walkin

The Doors- The Crystal Ship

Witchcraft- The Alchemist

Sly and the Family Stone- Everyday People

Robert Johnson- Hell Hound on my Trail

Grouper- Heavy Water/ I'd Rather Be Sleeping

luck

2009-08-02T00:09:00.004-04:00

What's with this bad luck?

first a car accident (no injuries luckily [some luck within bad luck]), now my bike is stolen! i don't expect it to get any better. I have to go to court on August 11.

at least Annie Hall is on, which has brought a few laughs in this time when I'm short on laughs. I hate this place, and can't wait to get back to Norman. I love that movie so much.

"you're what grammy hall would call a real jew."

"don't worry, we can walk to the curb from here." from the part where Annie parked a little far from the curb.

"Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes I have to invent, of course I - I do, don't you think I do?"

'Hey, Harvard makes mistakes too! Kissinger taught there."

Ha, I just got to the part where Alvy Singer got in a car wreck! Looks like I'm not alone in this. Oh the melancholy.

They had it figured out

2009-07-30T00:39:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I get sooo distraught, and just need something to bring a balance back. Good friends, good music, and a timeless message.

Weequahic Park, 07-26-2009

2009-07-26T19:51:00.001-04:00

The Strange Politics of Tobacco (or Why I'm Fine Paying $10 a Pack)

2009-07-24T09:35:00.003-04:00

This article that was posted on Alternet today relates to my last post about taxes. In this case it has to do with taxing cigarettes, and how there is a correlation between raising the price and the lowering consumption of them. Click on the sentence to read the rest of the article.

"Charging high taxes on smokes is the only way to push people to quit. And I don't want the individual freedom to be suicidally stupid."

To Tax or Not to Tax

2009-07-23T12:29:00.002-04:00

That is the question that is currently on my mind. The taxing in question is on soft drinks or the unhealthier of snacks, which is being discussed in the media and congress, and I just saw a commercial that was sponsored by Americans Against Food Taxes. It is called the Fat Tax. So the two sides of the debate have pretty valid points, and at this point, I’m neutral. I’ll explain my neutrality later on.

On the anti-tax side, you hear the classic republican arguments against taxation. There is a concern that if the government begins taxing food, it would lead to a slippery slope and the government would begin to tax other things. This would lead to a big brother situation, where the government grows too big, and who knows where it could go from there (1984?). Basically, the government shouldn’t tell people what to eat or not to eat.

The pro- fat tax side argument is based on health. They argue that if alcohol and smoking taxes have taught us anything, it’s that taxes really do discourage people from buying harmful substances. They believe that if junk food is more expensive, then people will be more discouraged from buying the food, and the nations health will benefit.

So what is my view on this? Like I said, I’m neutral. The reason being that right now I’m at a crossroads in my life, with two conflicting views in my head; anarchism, and a more regulated capitalist, or a more socialist government. This is something that I’ll have to think about, and when I figure out an answer, I’ll write it. So, that’s why I’m neutral. If anarchism is the way to go, then forget the fat tax. Forget all or most taxes! Actually, forget the federal government! After all, what the hell have they done for us?

After watching a movie like Food Inc, I was thinking, “whathe? Why not just pass Kevin’s Law? Isn’t it common sense to close down a plant that produces contaminated meat? What’s that you say? Oh, because many former food industry power players are now working in the government. And they’re arresting latino workers from these companies for being undocumented, yet the companies where they work are not penalized for hiring them in the first place.” Much more ran through my head during this documentary. But this isn’t the only issue where government has failed. If the government won’t even take care of sick people, then what’s the point? If toys are defective, if e coli is found in food, if multi-nationals can despoil whatever natural resources they want, and workers pay is failing to catch up with the cost of living, well, you get my point.

I could go on and on (de-regulated economy, banks creating bubbles), but what I’m trying to say is that what is the point of having a republican government, when you could just go one step further and have no federal government. What I am not saying is that getting rid of the federal government will solve all problems. It just seems like no government would be better than a government that spies on it’s citizens, colludes with powerful banks and corporations, and does little in areas that really matter (like health care, regulation, etc).

But I digress. Maybe I can find a middle ground some time after thinking about it. Maybe republicanism (not neo-conservatism, and minus the religious interference) is the middle ground, who knows? In regard to the original question, maybe the middle ground would be soft paternalism, and not a fat tax. Although I will admit, I see where the pro tax people are coming from, seeing how unhealthy this nation is getting, and all the junk that is being marketed and sold.

Soft paternalism is an idea I first learned about in a philosophy class. One example I read went something like this. There is a cafeteria which serves a fruit mix, steamed broccoli, french fries, pizza, apple juice, and soft drinks. The soft paternalism comes in when the overseer decides in which order to place the food. If the healthier food is put closer to the entrance, then maybe the customers would be more apt to choose the healthier food. Another food example would be a food menu. If the healthier foods are the first things the customer sees, then maybe she will choose that first. In other words, soft paternalism doesn’t enact any laws that would dictate personal choice, but it would encourage a person to make a certain decision. So the question would then become how would the government be paternally soft on junk food. Maybe they’ve started already, with Michelle Obama putting an organic garden in the White House.

I don’t know what the answer to the problem would be. But I do realize that there is a problem with the nations health, and the food, and how it’s made and marketed. When I figure out the answers, or settle on a view point, I’ll write about it. Until then, I sense that I’ll be neutral, or agree with both sides, on some issues.

-Leo

Branch Brook Park

2009-07-14T11:12:00.002-04:00

Taken on Monday July 13. I'm going to miss this place...

Here's the link to the pictures on photobucket.

-Leo

I'm at level 92%!

2009-07-11T23:09:00.006-04:00

I'm finally reading again. I mean a book, not like articles or anything. Well, it's kind of like a book, it's a digitized book. I got some pdfs from a co-worker recently. I don't know why I haven't been able to read very well up until now. I picked up a book, and got distracted easily. Sometimes I wouldn't even be able to read half a page. If it wasn't tiredness, it was something else like googling a word, and being distracted from there.

I wonder if it was that I wasn't interested. If I wasn't interested, why would I be trying to read it though. I'm still on the book Latin American Philosophy, which I've been reading forever. Also reading (by reading, I mean trying to finish) an anthology of John Stuart Mill's writings, which includes On Liberty, The Subjection of Women, and Utilitarianism. One would think that those would be right up my alley, right? I mean, I'm Mexican, graduated in philosophy, I'm all about liberty and support feminism, and I'm more or less a utilitarian. So why can't I finish these? Why can I only read few pages at a time? I don't know

So then these pdfs come into the picture. I pick The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins to read. Now I find myself reading many more pages at a time. Is it that I've lost touch with physical books, and digital pdfs are now more comely to me? Is it that Dawkins uses a language that is more modern, and that is why my attention span is longer? Is it that he just wrote a more interesting book? Could I be more interested in these issues than the other ones? Or maybe I just went through a non-reading phase, and after I finish The God Delusion, I'll be back on track, reading at the same level I used to, and want to.

Whatever the reason, The God Delusion is very good so far. Accessible to the layman, and written for both the atheist, and the theist who is willing to read literature from the opposing side of the god argument.

In other news, I'm still listening to Pink Floyd. I'll just put some songs I've been listening to lately:

Pink Floyd- Dogs; Time (these two are my favorite PF songs, no doubt)

The Beatles- And Your Bird Can Sing; While My Guitar Gently Weeps (speaking of guitars, I need a new one. Ol' blue finally gave out a while back and now I'm weeping)

Pedro Infante- Tu, Solo Tu

Vicente Fernandez- La Muerte de un Gallo

My Morning Jacket- Dondante

The Doors- Riders on the Storm

I've also been listening to Stairway to Heaven a lot. Some might think it's overrated, but I think it deserves every praise it gets, because it's such a great song. Although I'm starting to think the lyrics were just written to sound good, not really to convey any message in particular.

It's sad that Michael Jackson died too. His music was, and still is, a staple on my iPod. I grew up being a big fan of him, and I remember my brother and I used to imitate his videos a lot (this is common, right?). He made one of my favorite videos, maybe my favorite one, I'll have to think about that one; Thriller. I love zombie movies and all things zombie. I dressed up as a zombie for the Land of the Dead premier, and I was one of probably 10 in the movie theater. I guess it wasn't that popular, but George Romero is a legend too, in my eyes. He made Night of the Living Dead, need I say more? Back to MJ. I found this article pretty interesting, about the make up of MJ's fanbase. The media coverage should end soon though, now that his memorial happened, I think it's time to move on (and I think they are). There are more important things to cover, like Honduras, Iran, or health care, and this, that I just saw.

Tomorrow is my only day off, yay! I don't know what I'm going to do though. I could go to the record store, but I'm trying to save money for a trip to Mexico. There are some movies I want to watch, but I don't have anyone to go with. One of the movies is Food Inc. The other one is Moon. Maybe I'll just go watch Food Inc. tomorrow. It looks that good. And I'm always willing to learn about health topics.

I was sick for a while, and I don't know from what. I couldn't eat that much, because I had no appetite, and I was nauseous, and I felt lightheaded. I wonder if I ate something bad. The day before it started, I had a veggie panini from work, and raw broccoli that I bought from the store with ranch dressing. I wonder if one of those things made me sick. Or maybe it was a virus or something going around. I'm feeling better now though, probably 92% healthy, because sometimes I still feel like my appetite isn't as good as it was. Today for breakfast, I couldn't even finish an apple. The rest of the day though I felt and ate fine; two sandwiches, and a little bit ago some eggs with potatoes. So I don't know, I'm baffled. I've been baffled a lot lately. Well, I guess I always am wondering about something. I wonder if it's the weather or something.

Oh well, I'm eating better now. I bought blueberries and broccoli, probably two of the best foods around. Here is a list of "superfoods", which includes blueberries and broccoli. I like to mix the blueberries with bananas, in a blender with Silk soy milk (did he just advertise a product? Oooh, yes he did, a good one though!). Makes for a damn good licuado. And the broccoli, I like to eat it steamed, with some sort of dressing, or mixed with rice or something else. It's ok raw, like when I'm in a hurry and don't have 10 minutes to steam. Like I've written before, it's better to steam than to boil, as boiling gets rid of a lot of the good stuff that's in it.

So hopefully I feel 100% soon, maybe tomorrow. That 100% healthy feeling, mixed with good food, and a bike that I really only ride once a week :(, mixed with a learning reading mind, makes for a happy person that's at 120%. The last few weeks have been less than satisfactory, so now would be a good time for a change.

Hmm... not much else I can think to write about for now (maybe next time I'll write about the local food movement, which a bandwagon I'd jump on happily). So I'll leave you with this.

-Leo

Happy Fourth of July

2009-07-04T10:17:00.002-04:00

Well, I haven't written anything yet, but here's a great article by Jim Hightower:

This July 4th, Rebel and Agitate for Change

I can think of some things off the top of my head to agitate the powers that be for: marijuana legalization, gay marriage, end restriction of travel to Cuba, is the patriot act still around? yeah, end that too.

I've read that faux news is trying to stir up the tea baggers again. well, I'd be more willing to support them if they tackle these issues too. Are these not freedom related issues? If they just do anti-Obama rallies, that's nothing, just anger at a democrat in office, count me out.

tomorrow, independence day

2009-07-03T22:39:00.002-04:00

American Independence Day tomorrow. I'd like to write something regarding freedom. Let's wait and see if anything comes out....

was going to write, instead i'll get ready

2009-07-02T13:05:00.002-04:00

Let's talk about freedom. Something so many hold high and dear, yet many of those also would like to see freedom restricted for others. Actually, I have to get ready for work. I feel sick, but I can't even call in! I'll write when I get home. That last video I posted describes how I feel right now. The new Beherit album is the darkest thing I've heard since Celtic Frost's Monotheist album. The Beherit one is called Engram.

-Leo

"Because I just fucking hate this world"

2009-07-02T13:01:00.000-04:00

Can't Sleep

2009-07-01T01:26:00.006-04:00

it's been a smooth ride until last week, when it got bumpy. today the vehicle broke down. one of the tires fell off and the whole thing flipped over. I forgot to wear a seatbelt. i feel sorry for the passenger of the car that was opposite me. i only caught a glimpse, but that was enough for me to know that there was something about her.

memories now. i crawled out of the car, and now i'm sitting here in the desert while the fire of the car burns quietly beside me. I'll never know what happened to the other passenger. We were only meant to glimpse at each other, it seems.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon, because tomorrow, I have a long walk ahead of me.

-Leo

good day

2009-06-28T21:04:00.003-04:00

trying to learn Echoes by Pink Floyd on guitar.

Today was a good, full day. I got my bike fixed earlier. Then I went to Vintage Vinyl, picked up a cd version of Below the Lights by Enslaved, and Arriving Somewhere dvd by Porcupine Tree. haven't watched the dvd yet, but Below the Lights is a pretty good album. Then I came home, got my bike again, and went to Branch Brook Park in Newark. It was a nice bike ride. I didn't know how long it would be, because it was the first time I went there on bike. A longer ride would have been better, but it was cool. I went around twice, and explored a little. Next time I'll take the camera and take pictures. Then I came home, ate some food, and now I'm here, with a guitar in my lap, and finishing up this post.

-Leo

happy father's day

2009-06-21T13:03:00.004-04:00

today is father's day. I had a brief chat with my dad who couldn't talk too much because of the location he was working at, but it sufficed (is this a right use of the word? maybe "it was sufficient?" "it was satisfactory?").

I wonder what fatherhood is like. At the moment I don't want children, and I don't see myself wanting children in the future, but who knows, that could change. The reason would be because I don't want a child to ask me "why am I alive?" I just don't know how I would respond to that. Maybe I'm looking at things too negatively though. But with global warming, population growing out of control, food shortages, etc... the future doesn't look to bright.

Back to fatherhood. I've thought about what it would be like, but I just ended up with mixed feelings of confusion and amazement. Oh wait, I just thought about the paragraph before this one. It could be that the question "why am I alive?" is just me asking it. Isn't there a word for this? A person is thinking that other people think similar thoughts. Projection?

Yep, I believe that is correct. Psychological Projection. I have these thoughts of "why am I alive?" to which I can find no adequate answer for, and feel unsatisfied because of that sometimes, and so I think that others will think the same (e.g. any future humans), when in reality, they might, or might not. But isn't that what most people think about at some point or another, the meaning of life? I think they do, it's just that there will be so many different answers to it, and not everyone feels unsatisfied, and not everyone feels satisfied. Some may find the answer quickly. Others may be indoctrinated with the answer. Others may not find the answer for a long time. And others may not find the answer at all. Sometimes I think that I'm close to finding the answer. Like right now, I feel like the answer closely resembles this statement: "There is no transcendent meaning to life. One creates one's own meaning in life." That brings some sense of satisfaction, in that I feel satisfied with having some sort of answer. The only problem is with the latter part of the statement. "One creates one's own meaning in life." I don't know if I have created a meaning to life, or maybe I haven't, or I don't know how to or where to start. This is a topic I should think/write about another time.

One more time, back to fatherhood. So I was trying to think what my dad thought when he had children. I should ask him sometime. It kind of blew my mind. I mean, one day you're not a father, and then the next day you are. Something that is part you (father, my father, your father, future father, I'm not talking to anyone in particular) and part someone else (mother) is born. And there's those feelings of joy and happiness that people describe. You lived (and live) your own life, and it's pretty epic in proportion. Life, you know? LIFE. And now you're giving that to someone else. Now someone else will experience all the ups and downs, the thoughts, the pain (physical and mental), euphoria sometimes, working, the immense body of art that exists and will exist (that's pretty mind blowing too, sooooo much out there), amazement, wonder, etc... There's just so much, that the only word I can think to describe the experience is "life." It just is. I don't know of another word that can sum up everything. I might have been projecting again, with all those experiences, maybe not everyone will think/feel that, but it seems like those are pretty universal, so maybe most will.

So like I said, I end up with confusion and amazement when I think about this. It's like trying to write about a feeling I've never felt. That's probably why I end up with confusion. And then there's the part about having a tiny thing that grows into an infant, that grows into a child, into a teenager, into an adult. WTF? How does that happen, and why does it happen? Maybe the answer to this one is a lot simpler, if I took the time to think about evolution and stuff. But now is not the right time. And then there's the connection between father and child. And that connection changes throughout both lives. I don't think I'll describe a universal experience here, because I don't think that exists. Everyone will have a different experience. So I guess this next part is just what I imagine. The father and mother take care of the child, teach him or her the rules of the game, so to speak. And they go through all that stuff that people face that I won't go into. And the child learns, and grows and learns more, until finally he or she is an adult and sometimes becomes a father or mother, and takes care of his/her own father and mother, and the same process begins again.

I'm not mentally exhausted quite yet, I just don't want to keep on writing redundantly. So I'll wrap it up. Happy Father's day today, parenthood is amazing and confusing, maybe I think too much, and project my thoughts.

My day off

2009-06-14T23:03:00.002-04:00

went to Vintage Vinyl

watched Rebel Without a Cause

Rode my bike

watched Rocky II

guess I'm not in that much of a writing mood today. Maybe I can encourage myself later hopefully, or tomorrow.

-Leo

Moon

2009-06-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

2009-06-03T00:54:00.001-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

What aspects of today's culture will end up in the history books?

2009-05-11T11:40:00.001-04:00

I’m thinking about what will last into the distant future. The renaissance is something we study in school. In art and music, the baroque period is something we study. Within these periods, there are artists, who are categorized together because of certain qualities in their music. I’m wondering what this period will be called, and which artists, qualities, and works will be studied in the future.

The Beatles have a good chance of lasting, I think. The reason is because they have been such a cultural force in that many claim to be influenced by them, and many claim that they are the greatest rock band ever, and many claim that they put out the best rock album ever, which was Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club. Pink Floyd would be another good candidate.

If this were the case, then that would mean that rock and roll would be the category that is studied in the future. What about all the sub-genres, like heavy metal, industrial, punk, etc? If rock and roll is one of those things that will last, then scholars will study the sub-genres, but maybe the general public will not know as much about them. Only the big names will last, maybe. I’m talking about hundreds of years from now, like centuries, not decades, similar to how we study all those other periods like the renaissance and stuff.

Or maybe rock and roll will be something minor. Like a subcategory to a larger category. Postmodernism maybe? But what is postmodernism? Heck, I don’t even remember what modernism is. I’m just taking a guess here, but I think both world wars have something to do with modernism. The wars caused disillusionment, and a sense of pessimism. Art and culture became experimental, nihilistic, and non-sensical. Hmm... Examples come to mind, but I’m still not sure. There is dada, 12-tone technique, existentialism, etc... Maybe I’m thinking too narrowly though. Actually I am thinking too narrowly. Actually I am speaking (in this case, writing) too narrowly and trying to broaden my thinking, which may seem narrow to those with more knowledge.

It’s difficult to put a label on a period of time. Maybe narrowing in on countries would make it easier. Maybe narrowing in on areas would make it easier. Because one can speak of the renaissance, but this refers to certain countries. I’m sure when someone mentions renaissance, Mexico doesn’t come to mind, for example.

So in this case, I was thinking about European culture. If I say “classical period” (the strict definition, not the broad one) and am referring to music, then that would mean certain artists, like Mozart, and I don’t remember who else is included. But what about artists that don’t fit the characteristics of classical artists? What of them? Dust in the wind? There has to be something else to define them. I’m thinking folk music, but that could refer to many things. The folk music of Germany, China, etc... in the 18th century. I can’t think of anything else actually, when it comes to music, that was going on in the 18th century.

So I guess it’s safe to say that I know mostly of Western culture, and am ignorant of other cultural periods (unless Latin American culture is not Western, which I don’t know if it’s not). So back to the original topic. I’m wondering which aspects of Western culture will last, from the time I’m living in now. What will someone like me be studying 100+ years from now, in an art class, or music class, or philosophy, or literature, or any other humanities class? I don’t know.

In the music class, maybe rock and roll will be studied. Starting with it’s roots in blues, and folk. Maybe blues (a genre I don’t know much about) will be another chapter in a book, so to speak. I wonder how much the average person knows about blues these days. Because if the average person knows as little as I do, does this mean it has less of a chance of being studied in the future? I don’t think so, because it’d be important to study the roots of rock and roll, which is something that many people know about, and therefore a cultural force. But this would mean that the blues would be a chapter leading to rock and roll. Ok, now I know my thinking is too narrow here. I’m reading just now about all the genres that the blues has influenced, so it would be a chapter on its own. And then other chapters would come after it about jazz and rock.

I stopped writing here, and left it incomplete. Maybe I'll come back to it later.

-Leo

thanks, but I'd rather stay home and listen to Pink Floyd all day

2009-05-07T13:45:00.006-04:00

I don't know where this obsession with Pink Floyd came from. One day I just liked Pink Floyd... A LOT. I don't know how it started either. Let me think back... The first album I got of theirs was Dark Side of the Moon, a long time ago. I don't know how came to own it. Oh yeah, I think I remember. I was at hastings looking for a cd, and my brother recommended it.

No, that can't be right, can it? Why would he recommend it? Was I looking for a Pink Floyd cd? Because I don't remember hearing any songs by them before that.

I take that back, I did hear Another Brick in the Wall, because my cousin had that The Wall, and that's the only song he listened to from it.

So maybe my brother was a fan or something, and I liked Another Brick in the Wall also, and I asked for a recommendation? I don't know, whatever way, I got Dark Side of the Moon. I remember not being that interested in it. This was a long time ago, I was probably still in high school. I was probably more closed minded back then than I am now or something. I remember thinking, "what is this? alarm clocks? money sounds? spaceships? wtf?"

Fast forward some time. He then recommended Animals (which is now my favorite album by them), and I didn't pay much attention to it because of my lack of interest in Dark Side of the Moon.

Fast forward some more time, to when I went to college. I don't remember when I liked them all of a sudden, but I did. I remember some instances though. I remember one time we were listening to a "ganja-time" playlist, and the song Pilgrimage by Om came on, and he said it sounded a lot like Pink Floyd's Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun. So I listened to that song, and he was right, they sound similar, both are good songs for those kinds of playlists.

Sometime around there, I also listened to Wish You Were Here and Animals, and liked those instantly. Both were short and sweet, with long songs that took me out of this world. I don't know how else to describe the songs. I hate listening to just one part of Shine on You Crazy Diamond or Dogs, because it's just not as good if you only listen to one part. You have to listen to the whole song, and bask in it's goodness.

Later on, I put A Saucerful of Secrets on my computer, from my brother's cd collection, and also added Dark Side of the Moon from mine (good thing I kept it!). I didn't listen DSotM just yet though (in depth, that is). A Saucerful of Secrets is good, but I can't say I listen to it as much as the other albums.

Let's see, what came next... Oh yeah, I fell in love with Animals and Wish You Were Here, and about two months ago, I watched the movie The Wall. I enjoyed the movie and the album, which is pretty epic. About a month ago, I revisited Dark Side of the Moon, and realized that this was now my second favorite album by them. I don't know what I was thinking back then, but now I love it. My favorite track on there is probably Time. Sometimes at work, Us and Them is on a loop in my mind, mostly just the part where he sings "Us us us, and Them, them them." Crazy I know, but it keeps me going through the day. The whole album is damn good though.

Also a good friend recently recommended Meddle, which ranks right up there (somewhere) among my favorites. The standout track is definitely Echoes, which also goes through my mind at work for long periods of time.

So now I find myself writing this post, because I've been listening to a large amount of Pink Floyd lately, and listening to Animals (which just finished), now I'm going to play Meddle. I'd rate the albums of which ones are my favorite Pink Floyd albums, but it'd look like this: 1) Animals 2) Dark Side of the Moon 3) can't decide between the other ones 4) I still haven't listened to The Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Ummagumma, Atom Heart Mother, The Final Cut, A Momentary Lapse of Reason, or The Division Bell. And before I move onto other ones, I'd like to take in all the goodness of the current ones I'm listening to.

Jessica Alba: Do you want to get married today and have babies?

Me: No thanks, I'd rather stay home and listen to Pink Floyd albums.

-Leo

Echoes

2009-05-05T11:14:00.004-04:00

Ever since I got a job, I haven't updated my blog as often as I did when I was unemployed. I'll keep on trying though, I just don't know what to talk about (the job isn't really much to talk about, hint: it's a bakery).

Hmm... I've been listening to a lot of English music lately. So much good music came, and still comes, out of there. Pink Floyd is the band I've been listening to the most though. Porcupine Tree is another. The Beatles of course, King Crimson also. Also some music from other places. Landberk, Bon Iver, The Mamas and the Papas, Joan Baez, Quetzal, and Opeth.

The song Echoes by Pink Floyd is amazing, just another classic to add to the list of songs that I love by them.

It's been raining here for some days now, like 3 or 4, and the forecast says it might stay that way for the rest of the week. Yesterday I couldn't stop listening to the song California Dreamin, maybe because it's raining here, and also because it's such a good song.

I miss Norman, it was pretty laid back there, compared to here. I don't know if I just miss it because it's raining here, and gray and cloudy, or maybe this type of place just isn't my thing, or maybe because I haven't made any friends yet. Whatever the case, my spirits are not high, I wouldn't say I'm sad though. I just am.

I wonder what it's like to live in Texas. It's such a big state that I'm sure different towns have different styles. I've been there some times, but not for extended periods.

Everything here is turning green though, and it's looking a lot better than it did during the winter (even though there were some beautiful places in the winter too). So it's green and gray right now, and I'm sure it will get even greener.

Hmm... How do I end this blog with a note on echoes (in order to fit the contrived title).

This place is changing so much now, that winter is now just an echo?

I'm hearing the echoes of Norman calling me back?

I'm listening to Echoes right now (yeah, I think this one will work).

-Leo

job update

2009-04-22T23:53:00.001-04:00

got a job... today first day... not too bad... three word sentences...

Sweet!

2009-04-20T17:38:00.002-04:00

I got a job interview scheduled for tomorrow, YES!

Ok Leo, breathe, don't get too excited.

The Plan (pt 2)

2009-04-19T23:14:00.001-04:00

This is some more thinking to myself, you might want to avoid it if you're looking for something non-personal

Ok, so the tentative plan is to wait until May 1 here, and if a job doesn’t call, then I’m taking off back to Norman. If a job does call, I’ll do the interview, and see where it goes from there. I’ve decided that I want to be a teacher. Right now, I’m leaning towards teaching mathematics, because I think those are in demand, and because I want to learn more mathematics. I just got as far as the college algebra class, and think it would be useful to get more knowledge, and plus, it would help out if I decided to pursue economics, since a lot of it is mathematical and formulaic.

I could also do English, or Social Studies, but I’m leaning towards mathematics because of the demand. Science is also in demand, but my interest in that isn’t too big. I’m interested in these subjects: government and politics, philosophy, arts and culture, economics, history. Since math teachers are needed, that seems to be the closest thing to one of my subjects. Although in this economic climate, I’m not sure if teachers are needed as much.

Continuing on the plan, I’d like to find a job as soon as possible in OK, and hopefully we can find a place to live. I’d like to go back to school to take those classes I need in order to get certified to teach math. Maybe I can get another degree while getting those classes I need, but if not, I can do a masters later on, while I’m teaching.

I don’t know when I’d be going back to school though. I’d have to figure out when I can enroll, which classes I need to take in order to go through the teaching certification process, and how I’d pay for those classes. FAFSA, as complicated and timely it is, is still an option. I’d also look into scholarships or any other help I can get. The second time around, I would hope I can do things differently, with more knowledge under my belt.

BUT if I get a job offer here, then I think I’m going to take it. This would complicate things though. First of all, I’d have to wait a year (maybe more, maybe less) to be considered a resident of NJ. The reason I’d want to wait is because it would cost thousands of dollars more if I paid as an out of state student (to take those classes I need to get certified). Second of all, and this is a problem I’d face in OK also, working full time and going to school would be difficult, and I’d be afraid it’d lessen my chances at becoming a teacher. While I was working for the philosophy degree, I just worked part time, but the jobs that I have applied to here have been full time jobs. The upside is that NJ is one of the highest paying states for teachers. The downside is that it’s also one of the most expensive states to live in.

One other path I can take is moving to OK, working, and using that to transition to Texas. Actually, that is the current plan. I’d rather teach in Texas than in Oklahoma, because Oklahoma doesn’t pay teachers well from what I’ve heard and read. The other path would be working in OK, not going back to school, and do an alternative certification program in TX where all one needs is a bachelor’s degree. So for that program, I’m all set. I would like to take more classes in mathematics though, for the sake of getting a firmer grasp on the subject, and to be a better math teacher than I would be if I didn’t take the classes.

So that’s the plan. Now I just wait until May 1, and if nothing happens with the jobs I’ve applied to, then I’m taking off to Norman. This is the short(er) term plan.

Maybe sometime in the distant future, while I’m teaching, I can work on a master’s or doctorate in order to teach at the university level. But that’s for another time. For now, I wait.