today's thoughts

if i am nothing, why do my emotions rage? if i am merely a part of a whole, why should any of my actions matter so much? is it the case that they do not? or is it that they do? i am part of a larger picture. so do my actions determine anything? i get angry, the picture changes. i am happy, the picture changes. the picture is. does it even matter? there are no answers. it seems like i am supposed to make the answers. that is frustrating. Hinduism and Buddhism are human inventions. am i on a nihilistic path again? if i am, it is not a good path. or at least, not to my physical and mental well-being. because i found love, but if i am pulled back to that nihilistic path, that means that the void is greater than the love that filled the void. and i don’t know what could fill that darker, greater void. a greater love? where does it end? this is what i was referring to in the beginning. i thought i found peace. but i have not. my emotions still sway. is buddhism a lie? is there no escape to this cycle? why do i want to escape it? i love the loving moments, and those make life worth living. and i imagine that if i have the capacity to feel, then that includes both happiness and sadness. so make up your mind. do you want to feel? or would you rather not feel? I think I’d rather feel. bring it, nihilism.

i started thinking this earlier this night, after examining my life, or a certain aspect of it.

for my birthday, i got a guitar, and a cool wizard pipe. i've been re-learning the guitar. i hope it gives me something to fill my days with.

i sleep on the floor again. i would have thought simplicity brings some sort of inner peace. instead it causes me to think about my life, and why i am so poor. but i am only poor financially. i am rich in thought. thought counts for nothing in the physical world, unless that thought brings money or praise. thought is ultimately all i have though. thought is everything to me. thought is everything to everyone. well, mostly everyone. some people exist only based on physical pleasure and pain. this is neither good or bad. metaphysical thought only introduces a new sort of pleasure, or a new sort of pain. so ultimately, it means nothing. it is only another development in our already crowded world. oh well.

-LJL