personal (yet online) thoughts

OK, this year is going to be different for some reason. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling like things are going to be weird, or darker/occult-ish, just different in one of those two ways. But then again, I haven't had this feeling for very long. It started around New Years, I believe, and got stronger around the time we got the internet.

I also realized earlier, and this is revealing personal stuff, that it's not my fault that I'm socially awkward. But I can change it, and am trying. I mean, in high school it seemed like I was singled out. I was one of the only Mexican kids there, so I didn't have a "culture" I could fit in to. I went to one, and came home to another. That started a long time ago though.

Through most of elementary school, I was the only brown kid in class. I'm thinking that that is what put in to my mind that I was different, because I wasn't the same color. So in high school, these differences were just amplified, with people calling me names like Osama Bin Laden or Elian Gonzales, and hearing all of this racism. Add to that that I was an easy target for a-holes to bother, and was an introvert (i still am to some degree ;). This put me in a dark place.

Damn, looking back on it, I was raised in a racist city. I'm not exaggerating here. I took all of this in and cussed a lot, became lazy in school, told crude jokes, and looked mostly at the dark side of things. It wasn't all bad, I just couldn't see the good, and turned inward. So I got depressed towards the end of high school, and for some time after. It sucks to think of high school still.

I'm glad I went to college, looking back on it, because I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't gone. I wouldn't have met many amazing people that I met because of school, or all the cool and interesting stuff I learned, or the experiences. I wouldn't be living in Denton if I had not gone to OU.

For the first time in my life, thanks in large part to the help of friends, and to art, and feeling, and all the great things life has to offer, I can say I love life.

Life offers so many pleasures. Micro-pleasures, like minimalism (which is aesthetically pleasing), insignificant yet memorable moments, small details, slight sensations (like lightly touching surfaces with one's fingers), and then there's bigger pleasures, like when my mind gets blown away by spectacles like the Flaming Lips show, or listening to Dark Side of the Moon (or some other epic record), or when I'm dying to go outside on a warm day and then finally getting to ride my bike in the nice weather.

And then there's pain. I'm starting to like pain... a little bit though. I still don't like it when I feel it, my body doesn't like it, that is. My mind most of the time gets affected by my body and thinks that it doesn't like it either. But I'm beginning to think that at some level, somewhere within me, my mind finds some pleasure in the pain. It's possible that in order to feel pleasure, one must feel pain. I wonder if I'd get tired of feeling pleasure if I never felt pain. So maybe my mind is getting convinced that this is the case, and likes it at some level.

Overall though, life is cool, and I'm glad I didn't do anything too stupid when I was depressed (only semi-stupid), and I'd answer differently on a question about existence:

If you could flash the universe out of existence, would you?

I used to answer in the affirmative. Because I didn't see a point, and I wouldn't miss much.

That is not the case anymore :)

-LJL

P.S. Here's something that I thought of:

These three ideas that would have major positive impacts on the world,

1. Ride a bike more.

2. support local

3. go vegetarian, or know thyself and think deeply more

That's four, but three is a neat number, so I'll leave it like that for now.