It's day 2 of internet, and I'm still hooked. This is not good.
I just put up the last post less than 10 minutes ago. And I'm typing again, just because I don't know what else to do. Maybe being hooked up to a machine is the encouragement I need to write! Maybe something good will be produced out of this. I'm doubtful, but one never knows.
I remember on New Years, I felt like I was able to peer into another dimension. I mean, I was still in my apartment, my box. But everything looked different. I was curious about everything. I stopped thinking for some time, and just felt. I feel enough already, but the only thing that was different was that I didn't think as rationally as usual.
I thought of a story to write about, but haven't done it.
I'm trapped inside my own head.
I don't know what would make me say that.
Right now I am trapped inside my own head. Other times, I have sympathy, other times, apathy.
I'm getting tired. I wonder what time I work. I don't imagine people would read this. I mean, some would, maybe they would be expecting a payoff. But if I were an average reader, I wouldn't read on this long. I wouldn't have the patience.
What should I do next? Why do I feel the need to type this? If I knew the answers, I wouldn't be asking the questions. So what would I be doing if I wasn't asking questions? I think I'd be answering them. If I had answers, people would be able to come up to me with their questions. Who can I ask questions? I ask everyone questions. Sometimes I ask questions even if I don't care for the answer. Sometimes it's to break silence. Many times I'm silent myself, because I can't convey my thoughts very well. I have an easier time transporting thoughts from my mind to my hand. It's more difficult for me to use my voice to try to communicate something.
The written word seems more permanent anyways. Although the spoken word has it's own beauty too. But typing, it's more impersonal. Writing is more personal, and therefore, more interesting. I say this because individuals are more interesting than uniform, typed letters.
If I were reading this blog though, would I be interested in myself? I don't think so. It's a guy who doesn't know what to do with his life, and he rants a lot. Oh well, if it helps him pass the time. I'll live my own life, he'll live his. Everyone lives their own lives. Own. Possessive. To own is to possess. I possess my life. I possess my life. I own it. If I own my life, then I can do whatever I want with it. Actually, I think that everyone should do whatever they want with their lives as long as it doesn't negatively affect the lives of others. Why only negatively though? Why not "everyone should live their own lives as long as it doesn't negatively or positively affect the lives of others"? And what is negative anyways? Maybe affecting someone positively is contributing to their overall well-being. Happiness and health. I would think that people need sadness too, because if they were happy all the time then eventually it would get boring. So why not make it "everyone should live their own lives, but don't affect anyone else"? That doesn't sound right. I want to affect and be affected. I'm still a social animal. Even if my last post was about fading into obscurity. Everyone should live their own lives. Some will positively affect others. Others will negatively affect others.
I get paranoid sometimes. I get the feeling I'm being watched a lot. Or recorded. Or judged. I shut the blinds and still feel like people can see through the cracks.
So, so far the internet is like a mirror in a way. I open the laptop, and see my own thoughts in a different form, typed.
So then it could help me transform my story ideas into written word. Hopefully. I just have to keep this screen in front of my face, and the story will be written?
Maybe I should try writing some comedy. I'm tired. Is that funny? If so, I don't see the humor in it. It could be funny, to a mind that thinks differently, to a mind that has been programmed to find humor in fatigue. I'm starting to smile a bit. I mean, it is a crazy idea. To be programmed to laugh when fatigued. I'd be cracking up if that were the case, because now I'm really tired.
I wrote down some of my traits earlier for Chris. He's going to try to put them into a picture. Among the characteristics were curious, paranoid, reclusive, changing, thoughtful. Surveys are always fun, because they want to know what I think. I ignored one earlier on the phone though. Most telephone surveys want to know what I think about them.
I'll finish here for now. Maybe I'll write later. Sooner than I think.
-LJL
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