Nothingness comes into play here. What is the point of doing this if in the end it will mean nothing? Well, I am not at the end. I am living. I feel and I think. Therefore, nothingness does not matter to me at the moment. Ultimately, nothing will matter. But right now, I feel things. Shouldn't I work to keep my current self in the best possible form?
I lost the motivation to teach in recent times. I'm only now getting it back. Or more specifically, I feel like I'm back at square one, with multiple routes to take, and teaching is just one of them. It would please me to teach English to non-English speakers. I would feel like I'm making a difference in the world. At the same time, I love the arts, and wouldn't mind having a job in that realm. Film, for instance, is one of my passions. I think I would be happy working at a movie theater. Owning one would be cool too (I think, I've never owned a business before, so I'm not so sure).
Where should I live? That is another question I will no doubt have to answer. I liked Norman. Denton is alright. New Jersey, not so cool. I need to go west and visit that area. California, Portland, Ore, Seattle, WA.
It kind of sucks that I'm back at square one, rethinking my life. I've been here too often, it seems. But this is necessary, I think. Otherwise, how will know what to do?
I need a purpose. It seems like those with purpose are generally happier. I don't know if "happy" is the right word actually. They don't feel like they need to die, that's a better way of putting it. They don't feel they want to die, because they have a purpose which they must fulfill. I haven't found that purpose yet. I have no soulmate, career, children, masterpiece, or anything else that would give me purpose. I will search.
Fear is one thing that brings my mind down. Over-thinking is another. Over-thinking leads to fear sometimes. Over-thinking causes inaction. But how do I stop over-thinking? I'm researching it now.
I'll write more later.
-Leo
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